Dressing our Selves

I’m in the middle of a transition in my life and recently, I went out and bought some new clothes. Clothes which are more suited to the person I know I’m becoming. But I bought them, and then didn’t wear them. They went in the wardrobe … and stayed there. It was almost like I’d taken a step out into the new me, bought the clothes that the ‘new’ me would wear, and then got scared. The clothes went into the wardrobe, and I retreated into old ways of being, and wearing the comfortable, safe old clothes.


On some occasions over the last few weeks and months, those new clothes have been worn, but not for long. It’s like I’ve been trying out the ‘new’ me, trying it on for size for a day or two and seeing what it’s like to be out there in my new skin. And it’s been comfortable … at times. At other times, I’ve retreated and slipped back into the safety of the known.



I realised though that I was hiding both myself and the new clothes away … locking both away in the closet. So yesterday, I cleared out my wardrobe. I threw away lots of old clothes … including things I’d bought in the past and never worn … other ‘new’ Selves that never saw the light of day possibly? It was quite difficult to do. I wanted to hold on to many of them, but I decided, ‘no.’ I stepped into my idea of who I feel myself becoming, and any clothes, that that Self wouldn’t wear, were thrown away!

I got up this morning and laid out new clothes … and am wearing them today. And I’m now wondering if wearing the new clothes will help my new Self make its way into the world; a kind of unconscious encouragement.

I’m aware that the clothes I wear have changed significantly over the last few years, from hiding away in jeans and jumpers so as not to be noticed, to wearing skirts, leggings, bright colours and more shapely items; no longer feeling the need to keep my body under wraps and out of sight. No longer feeling the need to keep my Self hidden away. From trainers to wearing boots and heels … shoes that draw attention to me by the way they look or the noise they make when I walk.

And very often, with clients, I notice a change in the clothes that they wear during their counselling journey. Again, it’s often that transition from unremarkable clothes to brighter, more fitted styles as the individual’s Self comes to life and they feel more comfortable and confident about being visible and being seen in the world. Sometimes this is a slow process; for other clients, the change happens suddenly. I’ve had clients who, one week were wearing dowdy jeans or tracksuits, and no make up, and the next week, they’ve walked in with head held high, hair done, full make up and bright new clothes. And it’s always amazing, and such a privilege to see that change.

Although our clothes by no means make us who we are, it seems that they are a hugely important part of how we present ourselves to the world. The clothes we wear are an external expression of who and how, we feel inside. Often, when people are feeling bad about themselves, they don’t take as much care with their outward presentation; they don’t care enough about themselves to make the effort.

But it’s important not to make too many judgements about who a person is from the clothes that they wear as clothes can also be worn as a kind of mask to hide behind. I’ve worked with people with low self-esteem who don’t like the way they look, but they dress in a way which suggests confidence. Or they always ensure their hair, make up, nails, etc are perfect so as to present what they perceive as a positive image to the outside world. Other people are so comfortable with the person that they are, that their clothes and external appearance make no difference, and they never give their clothes a second thought.



And sometimes, we simply wear the clothes that are suitable for the task in hand … it would be no good wearing heels and a ball gown for hiking through the countryside!





It’s interesting to consider though the clothes we wear, and how those clothes change at different times of our lives. And also the types of clothes we wear for different occasions. Social etiquette tells us, for example, that we should dress smartly for weddings, wear black for funerals, suits and smart clothes for interviews and important meetings, etc., etc. I often wonder where those ‘rules’ came from, who wrote them, and why the majority of us choose to follow them.

But why should clothes be so important? It does seem that we judge each other on the clothes that we wear … but the clothes aren’t always a true mirror of the individual inside …although sometimes, and I guess more often than not, they are.

Lost and Adrift Between Selves

Personal growth or change is not always an easy process. Letting go of old ways of being and thinking can leave a void in an individual’s sense of themselves until they establish and integrate new ways of being. For a period of time, the individual can feel themselves lost and adrift between selves.

I think it’s important for us as therapists to remind ourselves of this sometimes. We work with clients, facilitating their growth and change and often, our focus, and that of clients’, remains purely on a positive outcome. But sometimes, to get to that outcome, a period and process of discomfort and instability needs to be experienced.

This is pertinent for me right now. I took a deliberate step onto a new path in my personal growth recently and have reached the point of feeling lost and adrift. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but with the experience and knowledge I have behind me, I can make sense of what is happening for me. I know that this sensation of not knowing who I am won’t last forever. I know that for me, this sensation means that I’ve let go of yet more past beliefs and ways of being that are no longer true for me. What I haven’t yet been able to do is fully grasp my new belief system and new way of being. But I do know, that that will come when the time is right. And so for me, uncomfortable as this time may be, I can also feel excited that a brand new me is about to spring into life … & I can look forward to meeting, becoming, and being, my new self.

It’s made me think though about clients who go through this process. Clients who don’t have the understanding and experience that I have. I imagine it could feel very unnerving; frightening even. They come to therapy in order to feel better about themselves, and yet sometimes, in order to reach that more congruent place, they need to go through a period of instability. And as therapists, we have to facilitate our client’s experience of themselves and living through this time.

It can be an unexpected experience for some clients, and sometimes too unsettling. The point of void can be a point of taking a big leap forward in to the future, or of retreat back into the past, and safe, established ways of being. But for everyone who stays with the process and comes through the other side, the rewards more than outweigh the dis-comfort … the sun begins to shine as the self sets sail on the next stage of its journey …