A Process of Change

As a counsellor, my day to day life with clients revolves around change. I’m in a very privileged position of being able to facilitate, experience, and observe a range of change processes all unique to each individual client. But I often wonder exactly how change occurs in a person. I’m aware of various theories of change which I’ve learned about over the years, and on an abstract level, I understand them … but what happens on a concrete level?

I’m very aware that I myself am currently moving through a change process. And yet as I write, I’m aware that life itself is a continuous change process, and I’m wondering what’s different between the process I feel I’m going through just now compared to the day to day changes that life inevitably endows on us?

Some change processes are deliberately instigated, and I guess counselling clients fit into this category. They’re aware that something doesn’t feel right within themselves or their life and so they actively seek out therapy in order to initiate some kind of change. Other change processes are bestowed upon us by life circumstances, not necessarily of our own making. For example, the partner who unexpectedly leaves, the loved one who dies, the job that is lost, the chronic or terminal illness that is diagnosed. When big things like this happen to us, we inevitably have to go through a significant personal change process in order to adapt to our life with its changed circumstances. Our way of thinking, or being in the world, sometimes has to change … and that’s not always an easy process to negotiate.

But change is inevitable, and I think my sense of my current change process could be more accurately defined as a growth or development process. I’ve been working on my PhD for almost three years now, and my ways of thinking about, and understanding my topic have immeasurably expanded. My private practice is expanding and I have lots of other business ideas to begin to put into practice, most of which have grown out of my research. Over the duration of my PhD to date, a number of things have happened in my personal life, both positive and negative. People have come into, and left my life; every one of which has left some kind of mark on me. I’ve engaged in various training courses, which have expanded my knowledge and skills base and have hopefully enabled me to become a more effective therapist.

As I reflect, I think my current perceived change process is a culmination of my life’s journey over the last three years. I have a sense of things coming together, and although I know I’m not there yet, I have an inner confidence that everything (and everyone) in my life is exactly where it’s meant to be at this time. It still feels a bit chaotic for me, and I find myself grappling with countless thoughts whirring around inside my mind. But I know I’m making sense of everything. My emotions cycle through excitement, despair, joy, frustration, peace, anger, hope, loss, happiness, sadness and many more besides. I’ve learned though to simply allow my emotions to be, to experience them, to let them flow through me and to accept them as part of myself and my current process that I need to go through. Blocking the emotions would mean blocking the process.

Emotions and feelings can be very difficult to tolerate sometimes, and it’s easy to try to block them out or to hide away from them using avoidance strategies or substances. But for all of us, the only way we can effectively move forwards and learn and grow is to allow ourselves to experience the full depth of our emotions and feelings. This can only lead to a richer experience of life as we work through feelings, learn how to tolerate the painful ones and find ways to grow and develop as a person. People who, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to work through these feelings are often the people for who life doesn’t seem to change much.

Change at times, can be very uncomfortable and disorientating. Even when we know it’s a change which is ultimately going to benefit us, it’s difficult to step outside of one’s comfort zone and begin to put in place, or allow, the changes that need to occur. But for growth and movement through life, change, and some degree of discomfort is inevitable.

I’m very aware that for my clients, change is often uncomfortable or frightening, and as I’ve already said, it’s a privilege to witness someone else’s struggle and eventual breakthrough. My personal change journey takes place outside of the counselling room, but my experience and reflection on that experience is what ensures that I understand the kinds of journeys, feelings, thoughts and emotions that clients experience.

Embodying Change

Embodying Change is the name of my new website … it’s not yet up and running, although it is in its early stages of development. And this is my new logo …

This feels like such an exciting time for me. I’ve been involved with counselling and personal development for 12 years now, so it’s taken up a large chunk of my life, but it feels like only now that it’s all finally coming together in a unique way for me.

My PhD has led me down avenues I didn’t anticipate or expect, and not only has it informed my academic practice, it’s also had a hugely positive impact on both my therapeutic practice and my own understandings of my Self. I’ve also met some hugely influential people over the last few months, who, in various ways, have fed into these exciting new developments in my therapeutic work and myself.

I’ve become increasingly aware of the embodied nature of human beings. We all inhabit a body, and our bodies are how we present our-Selves to the world. Our bodies are also how we experience the world around us through our five senses, and also how, & where, we experience our internal feelings and sense of our Selves.

Both my therapeutic practice and my personal understanding of how people develop, change and grow, is becoming increasingly focused on the embodied experiencing of Self.

As therapists, we present ourselves to our clients through our physical bodies and they present themselves to us in, and through their bodies. My experience and research are increasingly highlighting the need to pay more attention to the bodies in the therapy room and to what, and how, those bodies are communicating to each other. In the world of talking therapy, it’s easy to focus on making sense of words and to forget about our bodies, and embodied sense of being.

For an individual to feel secure within themselves, I believe it’s vital that they feel comfortable within their own body; that they are able to allow feelings to emerge within their body and pay attention to those feelings. Our bodies have so much to tell us … if only we knew how to listen to them, and work with them.

My new website will have a focus on the embodied experience of everyone …
clients, therapists and individuals in general, and how that embodied sensing of self can lead to more effective therapeutic connection, personal understanding and change.

I look forward with such enthusiasm and excitement as to where the coming months take me and Embodying Change … this is only the start!

Lost and Adrift Between Selves

Personal growth or change is not always an easy process. Letting go of old ways of being and thinking can leave a void in an individual’s sense of themselves until they establish and integrate new ways of being. For a period of time, the individual can feel themselves lost and adrift between selves.

I think it’s important for us as therapists to remind ourselves of this sometimes. We work with clients, facilitating their growth and change and often, our focus, and that of clients’, remains purely on a positive outcome. But sometimes, to get to that outcome, a period and process of discomfort and instability needs to be experienced.

This is pertinent for me right now. I took a deliberate step onto a new path in my personal growth recently and have reached the point of feeling lost and adrift. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but with the experience and knowledge I have behind me, I can make sense of what is happening for me. I know that this sensation of not knowing who I am won’t last forever. I know that for me, this sensation means that I’ve let go of yet more past beliefs and ways of being that are no longer true for me. What I haven’t yet been able to do is fully grasp my new belief system and new way of being. But I do know, that that will come when the time is right. And so for me, uncomfortable as this time may be, I can also feel excited that a brand new me is about to spring into life … & I can look forward to meeting, becoming, and being, my new self.

It’s made me think though about clients who go through this process. Clients who don’t have the understanding and experience that I have. I imagine it could feel very unnerving; frightening even. They come to therapy in order to feel better about themselves, and yet sometimes, in order to reach that more congruent place, they need to go through a period of instability. And as therapists, we have to facilitate our client’s experience of themselves and living through this time.

It can be an unexpected experience for some clients, and sometimes too unsettling. The point of void can be a point of taking a big leap forward in to the future, or of retreat back into the past, and safe, established ways of being. But for everyone who stays with the process and comes through the other side, the rewards more than outweigh the dis-comfort … the sun begins to shine as the self sets sail on the next stage of its journey …

Playing In The Playground

It's a long, long time since I've written any poetry / song lyrics, but I woke up at 4am this morning and wrote this poem ... about moving on & connecting fully with life...


Remembering a time,
Just he and I,
Playing in our playground in the sky.

Chasing clouds, chasing dreams,
Lovers soaring on the breeze.
A distant storm stirs the air,
Turbulence grounds what was once there.

It was escapism, it was freedom,
Playing with clouds was such a fun thing.
But it was disconnected, disengaged,
An observer’s view; safe, yet lacking.

For me now, it’s about connection,
To myself, life and living.
A self resurrection,
As a new life begins breathing.

Heart, soul, body and mind,
Together, they are one.
Love, laughter, dreams and friendship;
As my life will become.

Exploring now a time,
Another he and I,
Playing in the playground that is life.

(c) Sharon Cox, 06.03.11

What’s in a name? Counsellor ... Change Therapist?

I’ve called myself a “counsellor” now for 10 years, but recently, and following my current reflection on my practice and the wider range of reading I’ve been engaging in, I’m beginning to feel restricted and constrained by that ‘label.’ And “Change Therapist” is a name that keeps springing to mind when I think about the work that I do, and look forward to doing in the future.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I am first and foremost a Person-Centred Counsellor, and I still fully adhere to the underlying philosophy of person-centredness. However, as I continue to read other methods of facilitating change for clients, I’m increasingly realising that I no longer want to be restrained by sticking rigidly to the methods of Rogerian therapy.

For me, effective therapy is essentially about a therapist (of whatever persuasion) enabling and facilitating a change which the client wishes to bring about. A good starting point is to listen fully and deeply to the client in front of you to hear exactly where they’re starting from, and exactly where they wish to go to; if they have a final goal in mind. It’s about accepting the client for exactly who, and where they are, without any judgement or criticism. It’s also about listening carefully to the words the client uses to gain a deeper understanding for both yourself (as therapist) and the client of how that individual views, experiences, and lives in, the world … eg, what beliefs do they hold, what thought patterns are restricting them or working against them living as they wish to, how does that individual view the world and their sense of themselves within it? Observing the client’s body language and their way of expressing themselves in, and through, their body can also offer a wealth of information to the observant therapist.

And quite often, this process alone is enlightening for the client, who has maybe never stopped to consider their own world view and belief systems. Quite often, people are unaware of the ineffective beliefs they’re holding onto and living their life by. By uncovering these beliefs within the therapy room and gaining a deeper understanding of them and where they came from, some clients are able to challenge, and change or reject those beliefs, and replace them with more effective ones, allowing them to go on to lead more peaceful lives.

However, for some clients this process isn’t enough, or it would maybe take many weeks, months or even years. And I’m increasingly seeing the beneficence of being able to offer techniques, exercises and processes to clients to assist in their discovery and change. Personal growth and change is very often difficult and challenging for clients, and if I can ease clients through that process without doing them harm (non-maleficence), then surely that can only be for their good? And for me, any processes or techniques which I ‘choose’ to use with clients are still grounded in my person-centred way of being … by remaining with clients in their process and empathising with them, I find that the relevant process for that client at that particular time, makes itself known to me. I’m not consciously sifting through a filing cabinet in my mind of techniques to offer a client which would suggest my not being fully with the client. I remain fully in contact with the person sat with me, and their communication invites the appropriate process into my consciousness. I’ve worked like this for a long time now, offering clients the opportunity to use art materials, stones, visualisations, maybe offering some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) exercises, and in the vast majority of cases, what I’ve offered the client has been willingly accepted and has proven beneficial for them at that time.

In the past, I was very sceptical of techniques such as those offered by NLP, and even Hypnosis, but at present I’m feeling increasingly excited and intrigued by what I’m learning they have to offer, both for myself as a therapist, and for my clients. I’ve spent a lot of time recently reading and talking about NLP and Hypnotherapy and especially their use of language (both verbal and body) and I’m recognising very close parallels with how I already work with my clients. I’m already employing a lot of ideas and theories from these two ‘schools,’ and as my training in them both develops throughout this year, I can envisage myself using more and more of their ideas, theories, techniques and processes … all with the aim of enabling change to happen for my clients … hence my term “Change Therapist.”

Holidays

I'm just back from a week away in Spain, and although for myself it was a bit of a working holiday (I took PhD work away with me), whilst I was out and about, I was observing other people and it got me thinking about a few things; things which I intend to write about over the next few days / weeks ....

Holidays mean different things to different people. For myself, when I'm away anywhere, I want to make the most of my days and of my experience of being in a new place. I'm up early and out and about. And I like to be out all day; maybe returning to my hotel / appartment early evening just in time to get changed ready for a nice evening meal out, trying the food and meal rituals of wherever I'm staying. It was interesting to see how many British people in Spain were eating 'English breakfasts,' 'Sunday lunches,' and the kind of fast food so readily available in Britain; when I'm away, I like to eat as much of the local food as possible. When I'm in a different country, I want to experience the local foods and drinks; I don't want simply what I can get at home.

I also like to see as much of the place I'm visiting as I can; if I'm going to travel to a new town, city or country, I want to see as much as possible. Holidays, for me, are full of movement; full of new experiences, sights, sounds, tastes and adventures. I'm not someone who could lie on a beach or sit around a pool all day. Yes, I like to pause for a while with a coffee or a drink and sit and watch life happening around me, watching the local culture taking place, but for me, no longer than an hour or so ... I'm too worried about missing something. I have to see everything!!!

I think we can learn so much from the different cultures we visit. It can be interesting to see different ways of life, different ways of thinking about things, different ways of doing things; and for me, that's an opportunity to stop and reflect on how I do things. Can I learn anything from the culture I'm visiting? Can I change anything about how I live my life as a result of watching other cultures in action. And isn't that what life's about....experiencing new things, reflecting on old things and considering maybe changing things in our own lives?

Holidays for other people though mean different things, and it's important to accept those differences. Some people like to go away simply to lie in the sun and do nothing; for me though, that would feel like a waste of time and a wasted opportunity to visit the sights of wherever I was. Other people like to party as much as possible; making the most of their evenings, and maybe whiling away each day recovering from the previous evening's hangover and preparing for the evening ahead. Neither of those options hold any appeal to me, but doesn't that just show how different we all are.

Holidays mean different things to different people.....what does a "holiday" mean to you? And might that change depending on where you are in your life?

For me, my recent week away was a combination of getting out and about and seeing new things from early every morning until early afternoon and then after lunch in the sun, working on my PhD before getting out to different restaurants each evening to sample the local cuisine....even if a lot of it seemed to be more Italian and Chinese than typical 'Spanish'!?

Changes along Life's Journey

Isn't it interesting to see where life takes you? I'm at a place now where I feel content, satisfied and excited about where my life now seems to be heading. It's a different place to where I imagined I would be a few years ago, but it most definitely feels like the right place for me to be right now. And from where I stand, I can see the way ahead fairly clearly; at least in the short to medium term, & I like how the road ahead of me looks. I also feel that I've got the right companions by my side to guide, support, encourage, share and appreciate my life with me.

It feels like I was somehow destined to end up at this point; life is finally coming together for me, the pieces of the jigsaw are now fitting together. It's been quite a twisty, mountainous road at times with a few storms along the way. It's also been a very lonely road for many miles. For the last 13 years though I've been privileged to have the company of the best little furry friend in the world. Scrumpy has been my constant companion and confidante, but now as the end of her life approaches, it feels like I'm getting ready to step out into the next part of my life. Scrumpy and I are about to part company; she's taken me as far as she can, but I think she'll hang around a little bit longer yet until she knows I'm safe, in good hands and heading in the right direction.

Who knows what life has in store for me next though. The last 3 months have been such an emotional time, with huge highs and deep, unexpected lows. But I'm still here; as are the people who have been through those highs and lows with me. And we're stronger as a result and know that no matter what life throws at us, we'll survive. Life has many lessons to teach us, and as long as we learn those lessons I don't think we can go far wrong. It's when we choose to ignore the lessons and not take the risks involved in making changes that we become stagnant and defensive and life becomes difficult. Or when we choose not to assimilate the changes that happen around us; to people, places and experiences. Because change, that of both ourselves and others, can be scary, but it's also what allows us to grow & experience life to its fullest.

Our lessons come in so many different guises and our journeys too. Some of us literally travel the world, growing as we collect the miles and absorb the experiences of other cultures. Some people travel those same miles though and don't learn anything; they just gather the pictures. Others of us choose to stay close to home but travel countless miles within our own experience, and yet others who don't leave home often just sit, stagnate and let life pass by outside their window.

For me, the most exciting thing about life is the unknown, the what happens next, the constant changes in direction, the ongoing growth and exploration. Life is a journey to be enjoyed . . . . .

Learning lessons

"Other people may be there to help us, teach us, guide us along our path, but the lesson to be learned is always ours" (Author unknown)

I came across this quote a while ago; I don't remember where from, but I liked it immediately & wrote it down. It seems to me, to sum up the ethos of counselling. As a counsellor, we can facilitate our clients' exploration, growth & discovery. We can be there with them side by side, offering support along their path through the counselling journey; and from our presence and way of being, we can hopefully encourage them to learn the gift of self-acceptance. But we can't learn their lessons for them or 'fix' them, 'cure' them, or make everything better for them . . . that can only come from themselves.

And for all of us, the lessons we have to learn, the decisions we have to make, the things we have to do, the changes we need to make . . . can only come from within. And yes; friendship, support, love, and guidance are all invaluable, and make life much richer, but still, the lessons and progress we individually have to make, can only come from within.

And writing as someone who's life is currently in a state of change & flux, I'm very aware of the need to take more responsibility for myself, my life and my decisions. Change can be an opportunity to re-evaluate one's life and to decide where you want your life to take you. And for me, that's about increasing my sense of autonomy and taking the wheel so that I can steer my life in the direction I want it to take me.

Endings & New Beginnings

Life is constantly changing; endings & their subsequent new beginnings are part & parcel of life's package. Often, the endings we find ourselves experiencing aren't of our own making & we don't always get to control when, how, or why, those endings occur. What we are able to control though, is the new beginning that must inevitably follow. It's up to us as individuals to learn from the endings & carry forward into our new beginning the lessons learned in the process.

There are some times in life when we have to choose to make our own endings & bring things to a close. It can be scary, and it's a brave step to take to close the door on part of your life, a person, or a project you've been involved with. But it can also be empowering and freeing; a time for reflection on life to date & an opportunity to consider carefully where you intend to take your life next.

Life, for all of us, is a continual process of growth, change, opportunity, disappointment, endings & new beginnings . . . . & this blog is part of my latest new beginning.