From the Captain's seat ...

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling a little bit unsettled.  I knew I had 2 weeks' annual leave coming up, during which I'm planning to concentrate on writing some of my PhD thesis draft.  A big task in itself.  I know, that for myself, my environment is very important to my psychological well-being.  I remember working in a workplace a number of years back and from the moment I stepped out of my car on my first morning there, I felt out of place.  It felt so wrong.  I felt so uncomfortable and I just couldn't settle into the job ... I lasted there for 4 months!

As I know how important the 'right' environment is, I aim to create a safe, comfortable space within my counselling room for clients.  I think I manage to achieve this ... I certainly get a lot of feedback from clients about the 'warmth,' 'safety,' and 'comfort' they experience within that room.

I also use my counselling room as my study.  The room does have a nice, warmth about it and I enjoy sitting in there.  

But last Friday afternoon, I decided I needed a change, and I decided to rearrange my therapy room / study. It was interesting to plan how to best do it.  I obviously had to think about the practicalities of fitting the furniture in to a different arrangement.  But I also had to bear in mind both my needs ... as a counsellor and for my writing / studying ... and also my clients'.

I think I've managed that!  Or at least I hope I have.  It works for me, I'll be interested to see how clients react to it; especially those who have worked with me in the room as it was.  I appreciate that change can be unsettling; I just hope that the changes I've made in this room aren't unsettling for my clients.

The biggest thing for me personally, was moving my desk.  For the last 6 years or so, it's been at the side of the room, facing a wall.  So as I've worked, I've spent a lot of time gazing at a wall.

My desk is now in front of the window.  And as I sit at my desk, I'm looking out of the window.  I don't have the best view in the world, but being able to just see outside is making such a big difference to how I feel sitting at my desk.  Even as I concentrate on the words appearing on the screen in front of me as I type this, my peripheral vision is still picking up the outside world.  

And that feels so much more free.  I didn't realise I felt so trapped, contained and restricted when I was gazing at a wall.  

I had a very strong sense a little earlier, sitting here of feeling 'ready to face the world' and take on whatever comes my way.  And I am now, quite literally, facing the world through my window.  I also had a sense of 'being upfront,' of 'driving my own bus,' 'flying my own plane' ...  

I could even feel 'the others' behind me!?  Now, I have no idea of who these 'others' are, but I think that for me, the metaphor is about taking complete responsibility for me and my life ... or right now; me and my PhD and everything I've learned on my journey.  Up until now, the research has led me ... it's been the one in the driving seat.

The balance has shifted now.  I'm now in the driving seat and I'm ready to take everything I've learned forward!  And I do have ideas as to what I'd like to do next.  Those things probably can't happen until after my PhD, but they're in my head, germinating ...

From the Captain's seat, it's up to me which direction I go in; I'm ready to fly ...

Exactly where I need to be ...

Whenever I see this, or a similar advert in my monthly edition of BACP's 'Therapy Today' magazine I can't help smiling ...

Back in January 2008, I went into my annual appraisal with my current copy of 'Therapy Today' opened at a full page advert from York St John University. I intended to ask my manager for funding & leave to attend this one day workshop ...

My manager granted me permission & I attended York St John University for the first time to participate in Peter Jenkins' workshop. As I had expected would happen.

What I didn't expect was my manager spotting an advert further up the page for  prospective students on a Counselling Studies PhD.

He told me he'd always wanted to fund someone to do a PhD & did I fancy doing it?! As I've always loved learning & personal / professional development I jumped at the chance & instantly agreed; having no idea what I was jumping into at that time.

We discussed a topic relevant to my workplace ... I applied ... & was successful!  

And in October 2008, I took a big step into the unknown ...

Much of my first year was taken up with learning just what a PhD involved, teaching myself research methodologies and the underpinning philosophies of knowledge. I loved what I was doing.

But then, in May 2009 (just after I'd learned my cat, Scrumpy, has terminal cancer), changes at work meant my funding and study leave were stopped; stolen away from under me.

I had 2 choices: leave the PhD or continue with and self fund. I felt in a quandary. I didn't really want to walk away from it just when my appetite for philosophical thinking & knowledge development / creation had been whetted. But nor did I want to self fund a research study which would ultimately benefit my employer more than me.

After discussion with my university supervisors, I decided to remain on the course but change my research question. Eight months into a part time PhD was still early enough to do that.

And that's how I came to be researching the topic I am. 

Although it was disappointing & painful when my funding was pulled, I see now that it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I was able to refocus my research into a subject area I was genuinely interested in. One which really comes from my heart & stimulates me at a deep intellectual, emotional and spiritual level. And it's now mine; mine to do with what I want, in a way in which a study I'd done for an employer could never have been.

I'm really grateful to my then-manager for suggesting a PhD to me; the thought of doing a PhD hadn't even entered my head before then! And I'm grateful too, to the manager who pulled my funding & caused me to regroup my thinking into a topic I passionately believe in. 

And now, as I embark on writing up my research and am seeing possibilities of where I might take my research next, I see how a bizarre set of circumstances, out of my control, have led me to where I am now. 

And where I am now, feels exactly where I need to be.

I very much believe in taking responsibility for one's own life, making conscious decisions about what one wants to do, and then taking active steps to work towards it.

However, circumstances like the ones above do make me wonder if 'fate' doesn't also play its part ...

Maintaining an ethical online presence ...

As a counsellor, I appreciate the importance of not sharing too much of myself and my life with my clients.  When clients come for counselling, it's vital that the therapy is about them and not about the therapist.  The counsellor engages with their whole Self at a deep level, so that the client experiences a powerful and healing human connection, but they don't talk about any of their personal lives.

We also try to ensure our therapy rooms give none of our personal lives away.  To ensure the neutrality of the therapy and so that the client can engage with us as a 'therapist' with no 'baggage' we keep ourselves our lives separate.

We're trained to only disclose personal information when it is deemed to be helpful for the client.  It's often a difficult line to balance though.   For myself, I aim to be fully me in the room with each and every client, which means that I respond to their words and bodies in a congruent way.  I voice my feelings, emotions, thoughts and images which arise in response to my clients, as and when they arise.  This ensures that human connection I mentioned above.  So, I'm fully me, but clients get to find out very little about who I am outside of the therapy room.

Or at least that was the case, until I started writing this blog.  And also my PhD.  And this is where the lines can become blurred.  I enjoy sharing my knowledge and experience ... especially if I think it might help someone, or might start a debate.  I also think that sharing information can be helpful for people to ensure that they don't feel completely alone in their personal pain.  It can be surprisingly comforting to know that you're not the only person in the world suffering.

I know that through the writings on this blog, I give more of myself away than I would in the therapy room.  Any disclosures made with the therapy room are focused and said specifically towards a particular client.  Writing on here, means I'm sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences with anyone who chooses to read them; and amongst that audience may be clients, past, present & future.  Is that entirely ethical?

I'm sure there'd be people who would say it wasn't.  I know that there are many therapists who refuse to engage in any kind of online presence.  And that's okay if that works for them and is congruent with their way of working.

For myself though, I believe that making myself a little more human makes me more real in the therapy room.  I'm careful to never give away any specific personal information and I sometimes disguise some of the facts to keep me, my loved ones and my clients safe.

We live in a time when the online world is becoming increasingly important and I believe that as therapists, we should be looking at ways to embrace this and use it in a beneficial way for ourselves and our clients, rather than simply dismissing it.  After all, isn't this how theory and practice develops and moves forward?

It's something I've given a lot of thought to throughout my PhD.  When I first starting researching it, I intended to leave my personal eating disordered experiences out of it.  But as I engaged more deeply with the literature etc, I realised that my personal experience was invaluable and should be brought into it.  It's helped my personal acceptance and understanding, and I know that my self-reflection has very positively influenced my thinking.  And I've followed this through into my practice. If clients ask, I tell them a little bit about my history.  It's there on my website and in this blog.  My openness hopefully helps take away some of the shame and stigma that's still experienced around eating disorders and other mental health issues.  It also seems to help clients to know that I've had that experience and so have my own understanding.

Again though, I don't disclose personal information; just enough to inform my clients of my understanding, experience, and also, to offer them the hope of recovery.

And I attached the above photo of Elsie my cat sitting in front of my computer because Elsie is a personal self disclosure.  But again, she's one that I have to disclose.  I need to let clients know of her presence incase they're allergic to cats.  And she's also sometimes visible or audible in my home!  And she has her own blog (museandmewsings.blogspot.co.uk), so I have to ensure that she remains aware of any ethical considerations.

I've also set up a Facebook page.  I've had a personal profile page for a few years now and enjoy using it.  I've struggled with how best to use it though as I've not wanted to blur the boundaries between my personal and professional lives.  I think I've finally found the balance.  My friends have, up until now, had to put up with my therapeutic ramblings and I've not shared them with anyone else.  But I've just set up a 'Therapy with Sharon' page where I'll post anything therapy, research, eating disorders related and that page is open to everybody.

It is difficult line to balance.  I'm not sure I always get it right; but I always try to ...

Conference presentations ...

I've been preparing a presentation for a Conference I'm going to on Tuesday; Mental Health and Young People; Promoting a Positive and Healthy Body Image."  It's been organised by the Public Policy Exchange
 (click here for more info Public Policy Exchange) as a follow up from an All Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image last year.

Central YMCA played a big role in this APPG Body Image group, and a colleague and myself became involved via the YMCA.  We developed and facilitated some workshops for Key Stages 1 & 2 pupils in primary schools.  We fed back our experiences to YMCA and they were included in the published report:  'Reflections on body image'.  More details can be found by visiting  www.ymca.co.uk/bodyimage/

This conference is a bit of a first for me.  I've presented at a number of conferences over the last 3 or 4 years as part of my PhD, but each of those has been one which I've had to apply to present at.  This is the first one for which I was approached by the organisers and invited to attend.  I'm sure it comes from the work I did last year as part of the APPG Body Image inquiry; but it's a privilege to be invited to present.

It feels like a recognition of my developing expertise and all of the research I've engaged in over the last few years.  And that feels good; especially as I head towards the end of my PhD.

It also got me thinking about just how many conferences and events I've presented at.  I used to be absolutely terrified of public speaking, and yet now, I gladly put myself forward for it.  I still feel some nerves, but I'm sure that's normal.  My research and what I'm learning from it, excites me so much, that I want to share it with others ... at conferences, and hopefully, eventually, in print.


This is the list of conferences I've attended & titles I've presented over the duration of my PhD to date ...

2010   BACP Research Conference, London
Poster Presentation: “The impact of working with eating disordered clients on the counsellor’s sense of self: a pilot study”

2010   VITAE Public Engagement Event, Newcastle Poster Presentation:  “Working with eating disordered clients: Might it eat away at the counsellor?”

2010   York St John University; Research Methodologies Conference
Paper:  “The evolution of a methodology: An exploration of counsellors’ embodied subjectivities when working with clients presenting with eating disorder symptomatology”

2010  Newcastle Counselling Association
Workshop Presentation:  “Dispelling fears: The importance of research in counselling”

2011   BACP Research Conference, Liverpool
Poster Presentation:  “Changing the researcher, changing the research:  The impact of  exploring the embodied subjectivities of counsellors working with clients with eating disorders”

2011   VITAE Public Engagement Event, Durham
Petcha Kucha Presentation:  “The effects on counsellors of working with clients who have eating disorders”

2011   York St John University; Research Methodologies Conference
Paper:  “Giving the researcher a voice: Autoethnography as a vehicle for reflexivity”

2011   NCCCTC Conference, Newcastle
Paper Presentation:  “Embodying change work and eating disorders”

2012   BACP Research Conference, Edinburgh
Paper:  “The embodied counsellor: Exploring the counsellor’s embodied subjectivity when working with clients presenting with eating distress”

2012   VITAE Public Engagement Event, York
Poster Presentation:  “How amazing is your body?!  From the counselling room to you … “

2012   Newcastle Counselling Association
Workshop Presentation: “The embodied counsellor: Reflections on the therapist’s body and relationship with food”

2013   York St John University Faculty of Life & Health Sciences; Faculty Research Seminar
Presentation:  “An exploration of the counsellor’s embodied subjectivity when working with clients presenting with eating disorder symptomatology: Methodological progression and key findings to date”

2013  Mental Health and Young People; Promoting a Positive and Healthy Body Image; A Public Policy Exchange Symposium, London
Paper Presentation: “Embodying change: An embodied approach to working with body image”

Another tale to tell ...

Another book with its own tale to tell!

I've just received this book in the post this morning.  It was published in 1975.  It's still in excellent condition & its inner page has a stamp from, who I'm assuming to be, its previous owner ... Eric E Goranson, MD, from Portland, Oregon, USA.

I wonder if he was its only owner, or has it had many?  I wonder who Dr Goranson is, or was?  In holding what was once his book, I can 'sense' the ghosts of his eyes & fingers on the pages. 

My sense is of an older man, gentle and compassionate. An intelligent man who loved his work and his books ...

I could be completely wrong!  This image I've created could simply be my wishful thinking ... my own fantasy or phantasy (unconscious) image of the kind of man I want to think of having previously owned this book.

I can't imagine a time when I will ever get rid of my collection of therapy / eating disorders related books ... but I do wonder what will happen to them in the fullness of time when I'm no longer here to love them ...

Hopefully they can all rest assured that they have a loving home for a few decades yet ... 

The tales a book could tell ...

I received 4 'new' books in the post today that I'd ordered in relation to my research.  I never fail to feel excited when I buy or receive a 'new' book.  I can't wait to open the book and start reading it; to consume the knowledge, or stories, written in there.

My four 'new' books

I've highlighted the word 'new' because only one of the books I received was actually a new book.  The other 3 were used books.  Two of them had come from Connecticut Library; you can still see their library tickets on them.  These books were both written in the 1980's, but they're still well respected in the eating disorders literature field.  In the twenty-plus years of their lives, I wonder where they've been and who's read them?

If only those books could speak ... or write their own story ... I suspect they'd have a few interesting tales to tell.  Stories that have absolutely nothing to do with their subject matter but instead, the people who read them.  Or the people who took them out of the library, and never read them.  Whose houses have those books visited?  Whose bags have those books sat in? Whose essays and dissertations have those books played a part in?  Whose ideas, knowledge and thoughts have those books inspired? Whose hands have held those books?  ...

Endless questions.  Questions that I'd love to ask those books; but questions that I'll never receive answers to.  But wouldn't it be fascinating to know?!

Before I began my PhD research I very rarely bought second-hand books.  But due to the sheer volume of books available, the fact that many of them are now out-of-print and the cost of brand new books, I was 'forced' to begin buying pre-read books.  My whole outlook on them has changed since then.  I love second (maybe even, third, fourth, fifth, etc.) - hand books now!  I love thinking about their history and story.

I love receiving books which have annotations written in them.  It's fascinating to read other peoples' thoughts and ideas.  I feel privileged to read them sometimes.  It's like a little glimpse into someone else's thinking.  And it's  a privilege to share that little bit of intimacy ... even though I'll never know the person who thought it, and wrote it.  Even highlights and underlinings in books are fascinating; just to see what the previous reader thought important enough to highlight.

My own underlining & highlighting in a book only I have owned

Prior to my PhD, I never wrote in books.  Now, whenever I'm reading a book (non-fiction and especially related to my research or therapy), I always underline, highlight and annotate!  I can't read now without a pen in my hand!  It feels like a much more engaged way of reading and assimilating the knowledge.  Reading becomes more like a conversation between myself, the book and its author; and sometimes the previous readers.

I've read some really interesting annotations in some of the books I've got; and some of those have helped me develop my own thoughts and ideas.  Without those previous readers' thoughts, my own thinking might have taken a different turn, or I might have missed something.  Writing this, it makes me want to thank all of the previous readers and annotators; they've all, unknowingly, played a role in my thinking, development and research.

I wonder just how many previous readers there are who've owned, or just borrowed the books that now sit on my bookshelves.  The ghosts of hundreds (I suspect, bearing in mind how many books I have!!) of previous readers lingering and contributing to my thinking and writing ...

Sending a big, big thank you to you all; whoever and wherever you may be ...

A life can change in an instant ...

This post has been inspired by my recent burn injury to my hand.  Although it was a relatively minor injury, it's made me think about how quickly life can be changed.  And also how even losing full use of a small body part (even just on a temporary basis) can impact someone's life.

In less than a second, two of my fingers were quite severely burned.  My middle finger has now fully recovered (other than a red scar), but six weeks on, my index finger is still causing me pain and limiting some of the things I can do with my hand.  I'm also still visiting the hospital for regular physiotherapy to ensure the developing scar tissue doesn't restrict my finger's movement.

Hospital visits and physio exercises all take up time and emotional energy.  They can be extra things to fit into  an already busy life.  Not knowing how the injury is going to heal creates its own uncertainties.

Depending on the location or severity of the injury, scarring can be a real cause for concern for some people.  And some injuries can prove to be life changing as a result of scarring and any resulting injury.  I was thinking here mostly about physical injuries to external body parts.  But there's also head injury to consider.  A serious head injury can cause a person's personality or cognitive ability to change irrevocably.

I'm also mindful of internal injuries, which maybe aren't visible to other people, but can have a devastating impact on the quality of life of the person who has experienced it.  And sometimes, these injuries are most difficult for other people to comprehend.  It's easier to commiserate with someone who has a visible injury.

Most accidents occur in a split second.  And yet the consequences, of serious accidents, can last a life time.  They're things we don't plan for, and so are completely unprepared when they do happen.  We have to cope with the shock initially, as well as the physical pain.

I also think that sometimes, the emotional consequences of serious (and not so serious) injuries and illnesses get neglected or forgotten about.  Externally, the person may look well again, but maybe emotionally, they're still suffering.  Even if they're not fully healed or well, other people quite often tend to focus on the physical well-being and healing process.  And if this is going well, it's easy to assume that everything is okay.  But maybe the individual is still experiencing emotional pain, which isn't so easily seen.  Any physical trauma our bodies go through can affect our emotional well-being.

As a counsellor, I've always been mindful of checking out how the client I'm working with is experiencing their injury or illness.  I always recognise that it's important to enable them to share and explore their own experience to help them recognise the implications of it for them.

This is also an example of how I, as a counsellor, reflect on my own personal life experiences and consider what I can learn from them which might be of benefit for clients I work with.  Anything that happens to me, can potentially happen to someone else ... if not in the same way, then in a similar way.  Consequently, there's always something that I can learn from my own life and its experiences which will help others.  Reflecting on myself and my experiences allows me to develop my own self understanding, which I can then turn back out onto helping other people understand themselves better.

In this way, counselling is a very reflective and reflexive way of working and understanding oneself, others and the world; and helping others to understand themselves and their world.  And as I help my clients improve their self understanding, I take things away from each encounter to reflect upon, which further help me to understand myself, and my world ... and so the process continues ...

Our bodies are from where we experience our selves, our lives and the world, and so any injury or change to our body can have a huge impact on how we experience ourselves and how we live our lives ...