The food we eat becomes who we are ...

Once again, I find myself embarking on something new as a result of where my research has led me.  This time, an eating plan which has the potential to permanently change my way of eating.  I embark on this as a personal experiment to verify the conclusions I've been reaching.

As someone who works with clients with eating disorders / difficulties, I've thought long and hard about sharing this experience. I don't want it being misinterpreted as my way of returning to a way of controlling food or my body shape.  Nor do I want my clients seeing it as me condoning diets or controlled eating practices.

However, the reality is that I have embarked on a 28 day eating / nutrition plan.  Where this differs from any past diets or controlled eating behaviours is that this is in no way about controlling my eating or my body.  And I feel that I've only been able to embark on this plan because I am confident in the fact that my own eating disorders are firmly in my past.  I'm not detailing the plan here, but it does feel important to say that I am being supported by someone who has vast knowledge and experience of nutrition and foods' physiological affects on the body.  I am also being supported psychologically throughout the process.

The plan I have embarked upon is, for me, about making even deeper connections with my own body.  My research has led me to the point of understanding the idea of being more fully connected with one's body as corresponding to being more fully connected with one's Self and life.  Taking care of one's body equates to taking care of one's Self.  How we feel about, and treat, our bodies is a reflection of how we feel about, and treat, our Selves.

As a result of engaging with the plan, I aim to learn to listen ever more closely to my body; to hear its specific nutritional needs, wants and demands.  And of course, this becomes the metaphor for listening ever more closely to my own Self.  To hear more accurately, my own psychological inner needs, yearnings and wants and to find effective ways of satisfying these.  Of taking better care of my Self.

For someone with a past history of eating disorders and who works with this client group, I've given a lot of thought to the prudence of embarking on this process.  Removing food groups from my diet and having rules imposed on my eating is very reminiscent of historic disordered patterns around eating.

But what I am very clear about is that I'm approaching this eating plan from a very different perspective; one which is only possible because my eating disorders are so distant in my past.  For me this time, there is no focus on weight loss or changing body shape.  It was suggested to me before I started the plan that I take photos of myself, as a changing nutritional input may lead to a change in body composition and hence shape.  I refused though.  So sure am I that this isn't about appearance for me, and nor do I want to make it that way.  This is instead, about my own inner subjective experiencing and an experiment with the foods I feed my body and my Self.

From my research, I have an appreciation of the meanings we attach to different foods and ways of eating.  Our relationship with food can be viewed as an analogy of our relationship with our Selves and how we engage with life.

Before I committed to the plan, I was therefore aware that it would potentially tap into emotional experiences and beliefs. Indeed, part of my motivation for embarking on it was to experiment with just how much a change in diet might affect my moods, thinking and subjective experiencing.

I have no doubt that the kinds of food we eat affect us, not just nutritionally and physiologically, but also emotionally and psychologically.  I believe we all have foods which we attach emotional meanings to.  And those foods tend to be the ones which aren't necessarily nutritionally good for us.  It's interesting to me to think about the fact that we often try to nurture ourselves with foods / drinks that aren't good for our bodies.  And although in the short term, they do provide both a physiological and emotional boost, in the long term, they don't resolve things.  Quite often, they instead lead to further cravings and remorse.

So with all of this in mind, I'd given a lot of thought to the idea of changing my eating, and in the week or so leading up to its commencement, I thought I'd prepared myself psychologically for the experience.  I found myself laughing as I felt the need to eat the packet of Giant Chocolate Buttons that was in my house; that feeling of needing to eat them because I'd never be able to eat chocolate ever again in my whole entire life! Of course, I knew this wasn't the case, but it made me smile to catch myself thinking like this!  

Despite this preparation however, the day before I was due to begin, I found myself unexpectedly caught out.  Quite happily walking around my local supermarket with a trolley-full of nutritious foods, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a deep sense of sadness.  Mixed in with this was a deep sense of compassion towards myself for taking care of me and my body.  There was also a sense of loss towards all the foods which weren't in my trolley and which wouldn't be part of my life for the coming 4 weeks.  And probably most significantly, was an overwhelming sadness for my historic eating disordered self.

Later that same evening, my sadness shifted into fear.  Allowing myself to experience that fear led me into a deeper understanding of some of the meanings I've attached to particular foodstuffs.  Knowing that, for the next 28 days, I wouldn't have them in my life felt very frightening and I felt very alone with that fear.

Knowing about the emotional attachments people can have to food, especially in Western society, where we do tend to use food as a reward, a treat, a comfort, etc., I did expect to have some kind of reaction to the 'loss' of my own consumable comforts; chocolate and a glass of red wine.  However, I wasn't prepared for the intensity of my reaction simply to knowing that I wouldn't be able to rely on them for the coming 4 weeks.  And it was from this place of fear and of feeling utterly bereft that I was able to fully appreciate just how much emotional significance I'd invested in that bar of chocolate or glass of red wine.

I'm interested to see what other discoveries I make over the coming days and weeks about myself and my own relationship with food and eating.  Despite the years of self-awareness work I've engaged in, and especially over the last 5 years or so in relation to my PhD, it amazes me how much I still have to learn about myself.  My experience of this new way of eating to date has already confirmed the powerful and entwined nature of eating and subjective experiencing.  Food is, after all, the only substance which crosses our bodily boundaries; taken in, digested and used for energy and body composition.  In that sense, food literally becomes part of us, which is one of the reasons people develop such complex relationships with it.

I look forward with excitement and trepidation to the coming few weeks ... & to further deepening my understandings of the connections between our relationships with food and eating, and how we experience ourselves ...

... to embrace the feminine

Immersing myself in the concept of my new website, ‘Embodying Change’, I’ve been reflecting on when the holistic, embodied experience first caught my interest. I’ve been aware for many years of the limitations of talking therapy … as someone who is naturally intellectual, I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualise things and try to understand everything via words with my rational, conscious mind. I realised though that this wasn’t always effective in understanding myself or trying to bring about personal change. I then discovered the importance of bypassing the intellectual level (the ego) and accessing the unconscious via creative ways of exploring and working … which has proved hugely beneficial for me.


And what this reflection has brought to mind for me is a workshop I participated in a number of years ago … it was a weekend workshop facilitate by Natalie Rogers (daughter of Carl Rogers, the ‘founder’ of Person Centred Therapy) based on her ‘Creative Connection’ process of therapy.

Across the weekend, we engaged in a variety of creative ways of connecting with our Selves, our bodies, and thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories, and our unconscious. Natalie facilitated us in using dance, drama, our voices, guided visualisations, story-telling, metaphor and the use of various art methods (drawing, painting, collage, sculpture) to explore the issues arising for us across those 3 days.


For me again, it was the power, or knowing insistence of my unconscious which amazed me. Someone I loved dearly had very recently died and consciously I’d expected to find myself accessing and illustrating those very present and raw feelings … however, my unconscious had other plans …

As each exercise led into the next one, I realised that the things I was creating in art form and accessing via my bodily expression were all about my sense of self as a woman … and more specifically, my sense of self as a women within my own female body. Prior to this weekend, and as a woman with a history of eating distress, this was something I hadn’t fully appreciated; to begin to access this acceptance and appreciation was hugely significant and symbolic for me.

Many people living with eating disorders live at a distance from their bodies. They become disconnected and aren’t able to easily access their embodied experience. The body becomes a separate thing, an object, to hate or to change or sculpt into a more acceptable (for the individual) shape or size.

Towards the end of the weekend, Natalie facilitated a sculpture creating exercise with clay. Using guided visualisation, we were invited to work with a piece of clay, moulding and sculpting it into whatever shape or form was right for us. This was all done with our eyes closed, so we could engage fully with the clay in our hands, fully experience it and allow our unconscious to guide us in our creation.

As we paused in the exercise and were invited to open our eyes, I was surprised to recognise the distinct shape of a womb, fallopian tubes and ovaries. With my eyes close, I’d had no conscious idea as to what I was creating. And of course, the sculpture fitted completely with the rest of the things I’d produced earlier in the weekend.

We were then invited to re-engage with our sculpture. I’m not sure now, but I think this part of the exercise was done with music playing in the background. As I worked in a trance-like state, I was amazed to watch my hands re-sculpt my creation slightly and work it into more of a heart shape with outstretched arms.


The final sculpture was, for me, very emotive. Not only did it seem an inevitable conclusion to the weekend’s exploration, but it also symbolised a significant state of self-acceptance for me, and of my body as a female body with all the privilege and magnificence that affords me. The (my) heart reaching out with arms open wide to embrace the feminine …

It was also yet another confirmation of my continued movement away from my earlier eating disorder. For many years (both before and during my eating disorder), a lot of my self-hatred and un-ease had been directed at my stomach, which, in my mind, was never flat enough. For many women, a rounded stomach is natural … a female stomach has to house the feminine reproductive system, the start of life. A female stomach naturally has a covering of body fat.

And I find it now so sad that many women fail to recognise this, especially those with eating disorders or body image concerns. For many women, their stomach remains a source of self-hatred … when really is should be a focus of self-love and a celebration of all that is feminine.

So not only was that weekend filled with huge personal significance for me and the privilege of working with Natalie Rogers, it also reinforced for me, the power of working in ways other than the verbal. Taking away words, bypassing my intellectual / conscious mind allowed me to access learnings I wasn’t aware were ready to be offered and integrated. And because those learnings came from my unconscious and were experienced and processed in non-verbal ways, through the engagement of my whole body in the exercises … those learnings were experienced in a very profound and embodied manner … in ways too profound and deep for me to express fully in words here …

Embodying Change

Embodying Change is the name of my new website … it’s not yet up and running, although it is in its early stages of development. And this is my new logo …

This feels like such an exciting time for me. I’ve been involved with counselling and personal development for 12 years now, so it’s taken up a large chunk of my life, but it feels like only now that it’s all finally coming together in a unique way for me.

My PhD has led me down avenues I didn’t anticipate or expect, and not only has it informed my academic practice, it’s also had a hugely positive impact on both my therapeutic practice and my own understandings of my Self. I’ve also met some hugely influential people over the last few months, who, in various ways, have fed into these exciting new developments in my therapeutic work and myself.

I’ve become increasingly aware of the embodied nature of human beings. We all inhabit a body, and our bodies are how we present our-Selves to the world. Our bodies are also how we experience the world around us through our five senses, and also how, & where, we experience our internal feelings and sense of our Selves.

Both my therapeutic practice and my personal understanding of how people develop, change and grow, is becoming increasingly focused on the embodied experiencing of Self.

As therapists, we present ourselves to our clients through our physical bodies and they present themselves to us in, and through their bodies. My experience and research are increasingly highlighting the need to pay more attention to the bodies in the therapy room and to what, and how, those bodies are communicating to each other. In the world of talking therapy, it’s easy to focus on making sense of words and to forget about our bodies, and embodied sense of being.

For an individual to feel secure within themselves, I believe it’s vital that they feel comfortable within their own body; that they are able to allow feelings to emerge within their body and pay attention to those feelings. Our bodies have so much to tell us … if only we knew how to listen to them, and work with them.

My new website will have a focus on the embodied experience of everyone …
clients, therapists and individuals in general, and how that embodied sensing of self can lead to more effective therapeutic connection, personal understanding and change.

I look forward with such enthusiasm and excitement as to where the coming months take me and Embodying Change … this is only the start!

Connecting with Nature

After a fabulous walk in the hills & open countryside of Northumberland this weekend, I’ve been reflecting on the impact of my surrounding environment on myself and my sense of wellbeing.

The very act of walking in itself, for me, is liberating; to be moving, to be observing what’s going on around me, to be part of nature, and also to feel my own body moving. If I’m working on something and I feel stuck, I’ll often go out for a walk; I find it helps ‘clear my head’ and I often find my answers come to me whilst I’m out there. And after a good walk, I always come back feeling refreshed and invigorated, and more connected to my body.

To be in the open space, in the fresh air is vital for me. If I spend too much time indoors, I begin to feel restricted and constrained. When I’m working at home, I often feel the need to just be outside. I love to jump in my car and drive down to the coast & walk along the pier or the seafront. I love the open expanse of the sea. I love the feel of the sea breeze on my face and hearing the sounds of the waves lapping on the sand or crashing on the rocks. The last time I was at the coast, I stood for a long while just listening to sounds of waves lapping over pebbles and then the water running back through the pebbles, before the next wave crashed and started the process again … perfect!



Connecting to, and being part of nature, is hugely important to me. Looking out of a friend’s kitchen window with a fabulous view of open countryside highlighted a stark contrast for me between that view, and my own … a back yard and brick wall to the back, or cars and houses to the front. And how entrapped I sometimes feel within that. A while back, I spent many mornings in a kitchen with views out onto trees, and I used to love sitting there with my cup of coffee, just looking out, watching the leaves, branches and birds. I’m also reminded of somewhere I spent a lot of time in my childhood … huge windows with fabulous views towards the Cheviots. The open space seems to allow me to open my mind more; I really miss having an open space to look out on…

And linked with this, I’ve been thinking recently about the effect of some of the rooms I counsel in …. in my own counselling room which I use for my private practice, I’m surrounded by own things, the room has absorbed my energy, as well as some of that from the many clients I’ve been privileged to work with there. Clients so often comment on the warmth and safety they experience in that room. And then in contrast, some of the other rooms I have to use when I’m working for other organisations aren’t as ideal. They’re quite often rooms used for all kinds of purposes, and so not geared up towards providing a safe counselling space. And for me, this really impacts on how I feel; I find these rooms depressing and limiting. I wonder how my clients experience them, and I wonder too, about the impact they have on my counselling. I appreciate that the relationship is the most significant factor in effective counselling, but I can’t help wondering about the impact of the surroundings on both client and therapist.

It seems to me that our environments and surroundings, both indoors and outdoors, really can, and do, have a significant effect on our experiencing and wellbeing.

The Embodied Experience of a Researcher Researching Embodiment

My experience to date of researching the embodied subjectivity of therapists working with clients presenting with eating disorders is having interesting and unexpected effects on my own sense of embodiment. My experience of living within, and experiencing the world from within, my own body has changed over the last year and a half that I’ve been conducting the research.

For many years, I now recognise how much I lived from inside my head. I intellectualised everything and tried to rationalise everything, living a very detached life, regimented by self imposed intellectual ‘rules’. Believing I had to be “the good little girl” in order to be loved and accepted, I was relatively disconnected from my Self and my own body. I took my cues as to how I “should” be from this set of rules; living life according to how, and who, I believed other people wanted me to be.

This disconnection from my Self and my body was a huge contributory factor to my experience of eating distress and non-acceptance of my body. As I journeyed through Anorexia, I attempted to disappear, causing my body to become increasingly small and insubstantial … as I felt my Self to be. Moving then through a phase of Bulimia, I was attempting to grow, to fill my body with my Self, to allow both my Self and my body to become more substantial … but an ongoing lack of self-acceptance led to the Bulimic purge and rejection / repulsion of that attempt. A rejection / repulsion of my Self. And these symbolic meanings of eating disorders seem to be relatively common to a number of people experiencing eating distress.

My ongoing internal battle continued until I stopped fighting myself and allowed my Self to live within my body. And for a number of years prior to embarking on my research, I felt myself to be relatively comfortable with my experiencing of my Self in my body.

However, as I’ve read countless books and research articles, and interviewed people for my research, my sense of embodiment has intensified massively. I’m now very aware of how I chew over any information given to me before digesting it and allowing it to become part of me and my belief system. In the past, I was more likely to simply swallow whole what people told me, introjecting other peoples’ beliefs and ideas about the world, and consequently then not living true to my Self. Now though, reflecting on any information I receive allows me to mull it over, consider if and how, I can integrate it with my own beliefs before digesting it and allowing it to become part of me. Bulimia fits symbolically into this idea … wolfing down food indiscriminately (food symbolically representing information, ideas, love, etc) before then rejecting / expelling it through the act of purging because it doesn’t fit comfortably into one’s sense of Self.

I’m now very much more connected to my body. I’m aware of constantly checking things out with my body to find out how I’m feeling about something. It’s very easy to rationalise / intellectualise things, but feelings experienced within the body can often be relied upon to tell the ‘truth’ … trusting one’s ‘gut instinct.’ It takes time and awareness to ‘listen’ to your body and to learn to interpret what its feelings are communicating to you … my body now, is a valuable source of information for me…

I’m aware now of when I’m biting something back, something I’m maybe reluctant to voice … by the tension in my clenching jaw. Linked to this is a tendency to chew my lower lip, again when I’m biting something back; this is usually linked to feeling angry & not wanting to verbalise what I’m feeling. My shoulders raise slightly when I’m tense … I become aware of it, consciously drop them, and & I feel instantly relaxed. I have a certain tilt to my head when I’m feeling confident … when I need to access that confidence, I know I can tilt my head that way & I feel instantly more confident! And one of the big ones for me is holding tension in my stomach … for many years, I hated my stomach, rejected it … I now know that for me, my stomach is where my true Self rests … tension there means I’m not connecting fully with my Self.

And a rather more bizarre effect for me, has been how react to TV programmes such as “You’ve Been Framed” where people are shown experiencing physical pain … I find myself struggling now to watch them as I physically feel their pain. I’m also aware of a ‘rush’ of feeling from my adrenal glands as my body physically responds as though the incident is happening to me … bizarre!

Our bodies are fascinating communicators and they tell us so much about ourselves. Observing other people’s bodies can be very telling too; it’s easy to hide the truth behind words, but our bodies are constantly ‘leaking’ out the truth! It’s simply a case of learning how to read the messages of our own, and other people’s bodies.

Body Image … Embodiment … Embodied Subjectivity

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The quote below was posted on Facebook today (11.1.11) by Marc David, the founder and director of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating…
“A postulation on Body Image: the only way to truly heal a negative body image is to ‘embody’ - meaning to land in our body right now, as it is - move it, breathe it, celebrate it, explore with it, get curious about it. Thinking we will love our body at some future time when it reaches perfection is a dead end strategy. The question is - what does embodiment mean to you?”

The subject fits very neatly in with my current PhD research topic where I’m researching the impact on the counsellor’s embodied subjectivity of working with clients presenting with issues related to disordered eating. This client group tends to have a poor body image and a negative or very fragile connection to their own body and I’m wondering if the empathic connection counsellors make with their clients has any effect on the counsellor’s own sense of themselves within their body.

Our bodies are how we visually present ourselves to the world. Our bodies are the vessel in which, and from which, we experience ourselves and our world. As babies, we were at one, we were fully connected with, and to, our bodies … babies respond automatically to their body’s needs and signals. But as we grow older, we are taught, and we introject, messages from people around us that cause us to disconnect, to varying degrees, from our bodies and its instinctive yearnings and needs. This, in many people, leads to a sense of shame; of their bodies … but also of themselves … for our bodies are our Selves.

And it’s this intrinsic connection between our bodies and our sense of Self that I’m interested in researching further…