A Process of Change

As a counsellor, my day to day life with clients revolves around change. I’m in a very privileged position of being able to facilitate, experience, and observe a range of change processes all unique to each individual client. But I often wonder exactly how change occurs in a person. I’m aware of various theories of change which I’ve learned about over the years, and on an abstract level, I understand them … but what happens on a concrete level?

I’m very aware that I myself am currently moving through a change process. And yet as I write, I’m aware that life itself is a continuous change process, and I’m wondering what’s different between the process I feel I’m going through just now compared to the day to day changes that life inevitably endows on us?

Some change processes are deliberately instigated, and I guess counselling clients fit into this category. They’re aware that something doesn’t feel right within themselves or their life and so they actively seek out therapy in order to initiate some kind of change. Other change processes are bestowed upon us by life circumstances, not necessarily of our own making. For example, the partner who unexpectedly leaves, the loved one who dies, the job that is lost, the chronic or terminal illness that is diagnosed. When big things like this happen to us, we inevitably have to go through a significant personal change process in order to adapt to our life with its changed circumstances. Our way of thinking, or being in the world, sometimes has to change … and that’s not always an easy process to negotiate.

But change is inevitable, and I think my sense of my current change process could be more accurately defined as a growth or development process. I’ve been working on my PhD for almost three years now, and my ways of thinking about, and understanding my topic have immeasurably expanded. My private practice is expanding and I have lots of other business ideas to begin to put into practice, most of which have grown out of my research. Over the duration of my PhD to date, a number of things have happened in my personal life, both positive and negative. People have come into, and left my life; every one of which has left some kind of mark on me. I’ve engaged in various training courses, which have expanded my knowledge and skills base and have hopefully enabled me to become a more effective therapist.

As I reflect, I think my current perceived change process is a culmination of my life’s journey over the last three years. I have a sense of things coming together, and although I know I’m not there yet, I have an inner confidence that everything (and everyone) in my life is exactly where it’s meant to be at this time. It still feels a bit chaotic for me, and I find myself grappling with countless thoughts whirring around inside my mind. But I know I’m making sense of everything. My emotions cycle through excitement, despair, joy, frustration, peace, anger, hope, loss, happiness, sadness and many more besides. I’ve learned though to simply allow my emotions to be, to experience them, to let them flow through me and to accept them as part of myself and my current process that I need to go through. Blocking the emotions would mean blocking the process.

Emotions and feelings can be very difficult to tolerate sometimes, and it’s easy to try to block them out or to hide away from them using avoidance strategies or substances. But for all of us, the only way we can effectively move forwards and learn and grow is to allow ourselves to experience the full depth of our emotions and feelings. This can only lead to a richer experience of life as we work through feelings, learn how to tolerate the painful ones and find ways to grow and develop as a person. People who, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to work through these feelings are often the people for who life doesn’t seem to change much.

Change at times, can be very uncomfortable and disorientating. Even when we know it’s a change which is ultimately going to benefit us, it’s difficult to step outside of one’s comfort zone and begin to put in place, or allow, the changes that need to occur. But for growth and movement through life, change, and some degree of discomfort is inevitable.

I’m very aware that for my clients, change is often uncomfortable or frightening, and as I’ve already said, it’s a privilege to witness someone else’s struggle and eventual breakthrough. My personal change journey takes place outside of the counselling room, but my experience and reflection on that experience is what ensures that I understand the kinds of journeys, feelings, thoughts and emotions that clients experience.

The Metaphorical Cake in the Oven

Metaphors can be hugely powerful when working with clients. Metaphors paint a visual image of how a client is feeling or experiencing themselves. And metaphors are unique to the individual who creates them.

I love working with the metaphors that clients describe. They can be very graphic and can help clients to explore their situations and feelings in a much more powerful way than simply with words. It’s good to assist clients in fully exploring their metaphors, helping them to describe them using all 5 senses … what do they see, taste, touch, smell and feel in relation to their metaphor. Whereabouts in space, or in their bodies do they ‘see’ their metaphor. Does their image change as you explore different aspects of it.

I’ve worked with some clients who find it difficult to put their thoughts and feelings into words; indeed words sometimes distract from someone’s true experience. I’ve had sessions in which I’ve had no idea what the client was metaphorically talking about, as all we’ve explored and played with was their metaphor.

I think we all think in metaphorical language, but aren’t always aware of it. And for me, it’s important to take the time to stop and explore our metaphors ... they hold such vital information for us.

This is particularly relevant for me today … I was sitting earlier and a thought came to me that I felt like I was a cake baking in the oven. I’ve been doing a lot of work this weekend around my PhD and preparation for conferences I’m presenting at in the near future around eating disorders, so the food related metaphor didn’t particularly surprise me. But when the image came to mind, I stopped and just allowed myself to fully experience it. I questioned what it meant, and was it a positive metaphor for me? And the conclusion I came to was that yes, it was … I’m especially busy right now, doing lots of things, bringing a lot of new ideas to fruition; and I realised that for a cake to be in the oven that meant that all of the ingredients were in there. They’d all been mixed together & had been put in the tin to bake. That was hugely reassuring for me, as it made me realise that I have all of the resources and skills I need; they’re all there inside of me, mixed together like the cake mix. And right now, just like that cake in the oven, I’m simply processing everything, allowing everything to germinate and cook. And soon, when the oven timer rings, the cake will be cooked and I’ll be a changed person. Like the cake, the ingredients will all be there, but cooking and processing changes the raw cake mix into an edible, much more useful and effective final product.


This metaphor also fits in with an experience I had a few weeks back when I had a real yearning to bake a New York style cheesecake. I gave in to that yearning, baked the cheesecake and felt the satisfaction of having created something so tasty from a selection of raw ingredients. Seems like my unconscious has been working on this cake / baking metaphor for a while!

It also brings to mind for me the metaphor commonly associated with pregnancy … the ‘bun in the oven.’ Maybe for me too, my current growth and change process is a bit like a pregnancy, growing the ideas inside of me until they’re ready to be born and introduced to the world.

We all have the raw ingredients inside of us to succeed … it’s learning how to mix them together most effectively and allowing them to cook, to be processed, which leads to effective and ongoing personal growth and change...

Growing Towards the Light

Out walking today in some local woods, and I was amazed at the creativity evident in nature.

It felt wonderful to be out by myself in the woods, amongst the trees, walking along the riverbank. I passed a few people on my journey, and it was interesting to note that everyone else I saw was out walking with their dogs. I seemed to be the only person out there walking on my own. I love the solitary aspect of just being on my own in nature. Being free to experience the air, the sights, the sounds, the ground beneath my feet, the weather all around me …. and to simply connect with it. Walking also gives me the opportunity to allow my thoughts to wander. They’re somehow more free than when I’m sat, still and unmoving, at my computer desk.

There are times too, when it’s nice to go walking with friends. It can be a time then of shared conversation, shared confidences and shared experiences. The pleasure of two or more people enjoying each other’s company and that of the world around them…

During my walk, I spotted some trees with twisted, turning branches . Trees and plants need sunlight to grow, and hence to ensure their survival and continued growth, Mother Nature encourages them to be creative and find ways of obtaining the sunlight they need.

The trees in the photographs on this page have done just that … twisted and turned themselves to grow towards the light.

And this reminded me of the metaphorical story Carl Rogers tells in “A Way of Being” (1980) of the potato sprouts in his boyhood cellar. Potatoes stored in the cellar would sprout , and these sprouts would grow towards the light coming in through the window. The sprouts would be long, weak and spindly, but they would find a way to seek the light to achieve growth in the best way that they could … just like the trees in the pictures.

Rogers likened this to what he called the “actualising tendency” in humans.

As humans, we too always grow towards the light. We all do the best we can with the resources that we have. Our choices, our behaviours, our actions may not always on the surface appear rational, but underneath, they will be serving a positive purpose according to the individual’s life circumstances or belief systems. And in order to enable an individual to change, it can be useful to challenge their underlying belief systems and encourage them to discover a new source of light to grow towards.

Where our light is, that’s where we grow towards …

Colour on a Grey Day

Even on the greyest of days, colour can be found …

I’ve always been an optimist, full of hope and never giving up. Even at times when I’ve felt really low and experienced the bad times that we all go through at times, I’ve never lost my sense of hope and belief that things would get better.

I think these attitudes can be useful in life. For me, it’s not so much about what happens to oneself, but how one deals with it that’s important. The true value of life is to be found in all of its experiences, the positive ones and the not so positive. And often, the greatest learning can be found in the painful, disappointing experiences we all encounter … this is sometimes where the colour can be found. Although sometimes we have to look closely to find it.

It’s important not to get lost in the grey days and get stuck in a thought pattern that this is all there is. Conversely though, it’s also important to recognise the greyness & not just brush it away to one side. For me, it’s useful to recognise and accept the feelings I’m experiencing and to explore them in relation to the situation. Also, to take an honest look at that situation and ask yourself what role you’ve played in creating it. This can be really difficult to do, because often, the situations we find ourselves in are of our own making and it can be a painful acceptance to recognise and admit to this. But once you can do this and have accepted responsibility for your role in creating it, it’s only a small step to take to realise that you can also play a role in moving away from it.

It seems to me that personal responsibility is key to this. We can choose to wallow and stay standing in negative or painful experiences, or, we can choose to take a good look at ourselves and our surroundings, learn our lessons and apply them to creating a happier, more colour-filled life.

Sometimes though, we do find ourselves in painful, frustrating, sad or difficult circumstances not of our own making. And in these cases, all we can do is accept them for what they are, allow ourselves to fully experience our feelings, and look for the little bits of colour that can always be found on those grey days if we just take the time to see them …




**Photos taken on 04.03.11 at Cullercoats

Frustration; life's growth opportunity

Grrr!!! Aaagh!! And any other way of communicating frustration!!

Today has been a VERY frustrating day for me. So many things just seem to have either gone wrong or have ended up taking so much longer than they should have; so it feels like I've never stopped all day today & yet I feel like I've achieved nothing of value.

How often does this happen to us all in life though? How often does it feel like we're wasting time chasing things up, sitting at the end of phone lines just waiting in a queue, or attempting to do things which, no matter how much you seem to be doing what's expected of you, just doesn't produce the results it 'should'?

Yet, isn't that just part of life? Life doesn't always go according to plan, or to how we'd like it to be. Sometimes, life just throws unexpected things at you, which yes; can be frustrating, can be annoying, can be disappointing.

But isn't the important thing, how we cope with these things? We can all make plans & think about how we'd like things to work out, but life's not that straight forward. We, as individuals, have no control over the external things, people, organisations, etc., that impact on our lives. All that we can control & have any power over is how we deal with those things. We can allow them to impact upon us negatively & dwell upon the negative feelings we experience, OR, we can accept that sometimes, things happen to us which aren't ideal or which hurt, upset, annoy, frustrate us.

We can choose to learn from these experiences. Accept that life is ultimately uncontrollable; yet for me, that's what also makes it so exciting. The unpredictability of life excites and ignites me. Life keeps trying to catch me out, but I won't let it; whenever it throws something at me that blocks my path or demolishes my crossing, I'll simply find a grenade to blast away the blockage or I'll build another bridge & establish a more effective way of crossing the river. And from each of these knocks back & their following steps forward, I'll learn something & I'll grow, and I'll be so much stronger to face whatever life chooses to throw at me next.

Life, for me, is a constant process of growth and development. Make the most of the knock backs; be grateful to them & choose to see them as learning opportunities & growth experiences. All of which ultimately make life more interesting, more exciting & can make us, as individuals, stronger, more empowered human beings.