The challenge of the patterned leggings ...

Last week in my yoga class, the challenge was to wear something that we felt uncomfortable in, but that we would like to be able to wear.  As 'Jambo Yoga' creates such an accepting environment, it went without saying that whatever we wore would be accepted, and so it would be a safe place in which to experiment.

For a lot of my life, I felt very self-conscious of my legs. Prior to starting to practice Forrest Yoga with 'Jambo Yoga', I would never wear leggings without hiding the tops of my legs under long, baggy tops.  Before long though, I found myself feeling comfortable enough to wear shorter, tight fitting vests without feeling self conscious.  I still though wore only dark, plain colours.  In no way did I want to draw attention to my legs.

A while back, I'd told myself, that I would know I'd taken a huge step forward in my self-confidence and body acceptance when I felt comfortable enough to wear patterned leggings. Lots of yogis wear them, so I wouldn't be out of place, but I knew I had to feel comfortable enough in myself before I'd feel able to.

So when last week's challenge was set, I knew straight away that I had to challenge myself and wear patterned leggings!  I didn't have any, but as I was so determined to push my boundaries, I went out and bought some.  I even bought two pairs so that I'd had enough to wear to each of my classes last week.

Before I went to my first class last Monday, I felt slightly uncomfortable.  Not too self-conscious, but very aware of my legs! It didn't change my practice in any way though.  I didn't feel self conscious during the class.  Occasionally, when I looked down at my legs I got a bit of a surprise to see them in brightly patterned leggings ... but I felt good! I liked how my legs looked in their pink patterns!

A couple of us commented to each other about the personal challenges we were engaging in and the fact that if we hadn't told each other what our 'uncomfortable garments were' we wouldn't have known!  No one looked odd.  No one looked out of place.  Everyone was wearing 'normal' clothes.  And that just made me think about the self-consciousness and discomfort we feel in 'real' life ... & the fact that no one else is aware of it.  It truly is a personal thing!


I wore a different pair of patterned leggings at class on Thursday.  And someone commented this time they liked them!  They had no idea they were part of the challenge!  And even though I was having a conversation about my leggings, & hence my legs, I still felt comfortable and okay about myself.  And my legs!

On Friday, I wore the first pair of leggings again.  But this time, I'd realised that in each of the previous classes, I'd worn a black vest.  Still trying to hide away in some small way!  And so for this class, I decided to push myself that little bit more & so I chose to weat a bright pink vest!  I felt extremely visible!  More so than I had in the previous two classes!  I just felt that with the patterned leggings & the bright pink vest, there was no hiding.  I was out there in the world.  I could be seen!

And again, I received only a compliment!  And once I started my practice, all thoughts of self-conscious visibility vanished!  

Last week's challenge was a really good one for me.  And I really enjoyed it.  It was made relatively easy as I knew many other people were challenging themselves in the same way and so it was a shared experience.  The fact that it was set as a challenge too, was also very permission giving for me.  And because the challenge had been set, the 'good obedient little girl' in me had to do it!  And I did it!

The real challenge for me though, will be if I carry on wearing the leggings now the challenge is over.  If I continue to wear them just because I want to!  Just because I like seeing my legs in brightly patterned leggings!

And then the next step comes in carrying the challenge outside of the yoga class & into 'real' life ... can I always be brave enough to wear whatever I want outside of class?

Only time will tell ...

But for me right now, posting images of my legs on here is another declaration of body acceptance!  My journey towards body acceptance has been a long one, and yoga really has been one of the most significant elements in that journey ... 

Yoga assists & attachment theory ...

Following from my last entry I've been reflecting further on my recent experiences of "assists" in yoga classes ...

It seems that for me, they've helped me connect to some early attachment experiences. "Attachment" is a psychological concept which explores how people develop emotional bonds & ways of relating to others; and I would also say of relating to oneself, one's body & one's life.  Babies learn how to attach and relate to others (and self, body and life) through their early relational experiences with their caregivers.

From the infant's pre-verbal development stage, much of that relating and experiencing is situated in the body.  Mother (or other caregiver) responds to her baby's bodily needs for food and attention and the baby begins to form ideas about itself and its self-efficacy through these responses.  How well attuned mother is to her baby and its needs can have a significant impact on how that baby's sense of itself and confidence in the world develops.

Over the last year or so I've read quite a bit about attachment theory for my research; looking at how those early relating experiences contribute to an individual's sense of self, to their relationships with food, eating and their body, and to their way of being in the world.  And this is why I guess the concept has been (unconsciously) on my mind in my yoga practice.

From this place I've experienced many yoga assists as extremely nurturing and holding. Trusting the teachers / assistants and feeling safe in their hands has enabled me to relax into my body and allow them to manoeuvre my body wherever they could see it needed to go.

My first recognition of the connection between these assists and attachment ideas (and embodied memory) happened during Savanasa one evening.  Having my head and neck held and massaged felt hugely comforting and nurturing, and brought to mind an embodied memory of being held as a baby; feeling safe, held and nurtured by my original caregivers.  Being able to let go and be free of all adult responsibilities, thoughts and tensions, and reconnect with the innocence and "just being-ness" of infancy.

Since then, I've re-connected to that infant experience in other assists; especially those where my teacher / assistant has their body wrapped around mine in some way in order to manipulate my body.  And again, I've experienced a sense of absolute trust and safety.  I've been able to step out of my head with all of its adult / learned responsibilities, beliefs and tensions and fully immerse myself in my body and its experiencing; knowing that the assistant has hold of me and I'm safe.

It's very rare in western culture to have such close, intimate bodily contact with anyone outside a sexual context; we're taught that it's somehow "wrong" or inappropriate.  And yet with body psychotherapy and other body based therapies, touch is key to their effectiveness.  And in terms of enabling me to reconnect with the embodied memories of early attachment experiences, it no longer surprises me that such close bodily contact can trigger those memories.  Most relating and caring in infancy occurs at the bodily level; the body contact in the yoga assists are symbolically reminiscent of that time.

This connection between yoga assists and attachment interests me as I begin to explore more deeply how yoga might be helpful for people with eating disorders and other troubled relationships with food and their body.  I feel it's important to find ways of enabling people to re-establish a comfortable, enjoyable, safe and self-nurturing connection with, and way of being in, their body.

I've been fortunate to have experienced safe holding in infancy, so I do wonder, for those people who maybe weren't held so securely, what the experience would be like.  But I guess that to be getting in touch with one's early attachment experiences, an individual would have had to have done a lot of Self exploration to peel back the layers to that extent.  Or the enabling of that connection would need to be done in a very safe and trusting environment.

I appreciate that for many people, the assist will be experienced purely as a helpful physical manipulation; and from that perspective they're hugely beneficial too.  It can be amazing to experience what my body is capable of and to experience it move more fully into a pose.  But from my current place of interest in the idea of the body as a reflection and container of my Self and embodied memories, I'm interested in what I can learn from my body about my Self and my way of being in the world.

Allowing myself to immerse myself in the embodied experience of the assists seemed to enable me to connect with embodied memories of infancy.  And from that place, I've come to a state of "remembering" and "knowing" how I was related to as an infant.  I have a strong sense of "knowing" how my body's (and hence my) needs for food and nurture were responded to.  Of "knowing" how my caregivers responded to, and touched and held me and my body.  Of "knowing" how those caregivers felt towards me and their experiences of caring for that infant me.

And with these new knowledges. I've been able to further deepen my understanding of mySelf and how I became who I am.  As our relationships with food,especially in relation to eating disorders, are intimately connected with early nurturing experiences, I've also unpeeled another layer of understanding of my own disordered eating history.

I just wonder if, after reading this, the yoga teachers & assistants I've had in

 mind as I've written it, will offer me more assists in future ... 

or avoid me ... !!?!

From my research to yoga ...

I’m aware I haven’t written anything on here since New Year’s Day … apologies! Mostly, this has been due to the time demands of my therapy practice and working on my thesis.  I want to find more time to write again though as I move through the next steps of both my PhD / research journey and my personal journey; both of which are intimately interlinked …

I’ve also been practising yoga regularly since September and so have been spending time reading around yogic practices and philosophies.  Yoga is a practice I’ve dipped in and out of for many years, but hadn’t really found a teacher / school which compelled me to stay.  Until last August when I was introduced to ‘Forrest Yoga’ through an organisation called ‘Jambo Yoga’ …

Forrest Yoga is more physically intense than other approaches I’ve experienced and encourages an internal focus alongside the physical, which is partly what makes its philosophy so similar to my own.  It encourages its students to connect more fully both with their bodies and their authentic selves.  As stated on the ‘Forrest Yoga’ website (www.forrestyoga.com); “The practice challenges students to access their whole being and to use Forrest Yoga as a path to finding and then cleansing the emotional and mental blocks that dictate and limit their lives.”

As much of my PhD journey has been serendipitous, it seems that I was led to Forrest Yoga at just the right time.  My research was leading me to conclude how just how much of our self experiencing is situated in our bodies.  I was also thinking more deeply about the disconnect between mind & body, so commonly experienced by people with eating disorders and other disordered eating / body image concerns.  This mind-body disconnect is very prevalent in western society and I think it plays a huge role in the rising numbers of people we see experiencing eating disorders, obesity, disordered eating, body image concerns, etc.  Seeing our own, and others’ bodies as objects to be manipulated into looking a particular way is common practice in our culture; and this takes us away from our authentic embodied experiencing. 

In my work with eating disordered clients, I see how disconnected they are from their body’s experiencing.  Their body has become a ‘thing’ which they want to control or change.  They don’t experience it as part of themselves.  They don’t experience their body as their embodied self.  Their body has become the problem. 

I also find many clients, with no eating issues who are disconnected from their bodies and their feelings.  Our feelings tend to be experienced in our bodies; as sensations, as ‘feelings.’  But many people focus too much on what they’re thinking.  It’s amazing how often a question about how a client feels about something is answered with, “I think … “ 

Our bodies have a lot of wisdom and learning to listen to our body can tell us so much about ourselves.  Our body communicates in many ways; through its unique internal sensations, through its posture and movement, through ‘psychosomatic’ manifestations and much more.  Our body is what allows us to experience the world around us.  It’s what allows us to relate to other people and it’s from where we present ourselves to the world.

In a Forrest Yoga class, I experience myself as being fully in my body for the 90 or so minutes the class lasts.  My mind chatter stops and I can simply be fully in my body in way I don’t think I can be anywhere else.  I experience no judgement of my body from anyone else in the room; teachers or other students.  And nor do I experience any judgement towards anyone else or their body.  And more importantly, I don’t experience any self judgement or criticism towards myself or my body. 

For the first time in as long as I can remember, being in a Jambo Yoga class is the first time I have felt absolutely no self-consciousness about my body.  I experience no concerns about how ‘it’ looks; I step into my holistic (and authentic) embodied experience and out of the disembodied objectified experience of western society.  I experience the ‘assists’ offered by the assistants as nurturing and supportive and powerful in enabling me to connect even more fully with my own body and its abilities.  In short, I feel alive.

In that class myself and my body are one … authentically and without judgement.

I’m working on increasingly being this way outside of the yoga room, and also on finding ways to enable my clients to connect more fully with their embodied experiencing and authentic selves …