Eating reflecting subjective experiencing ...

Over a week into my new eating plan, and I've found it relatively easy to stick with.  The most difficult thing for me was getting myself organised enough to buy the 'right' foods; planning ahead, and thinking differently about the food choices I made.

It helps that I like all of the natural and unprocessed foods I'm eating and I'm feeling satisfied by them  I can also honestly say that I've not missed red wine or chocolate; the two things which created panic in me the day before I embarked on the plan.  A couple of times, I thought about a glass of wine, but what I've recognised is that each of those times were following stressful situations.  My default mode had become to have a glass of wine to relax or reward myself.  And yet each time, I knew I couldn't have that glass of wine, and I was okay with it.  The thought entered my head, I turned it away, and got on with other things ... not even thinking about that wine again.

I've had an interesting experience over the last few days though.  I attended a workshop over the weekend which was outside of my comfort zone and left me feeling unsettled.  My cat has also needed to have treatment at the vets which has added stress and upheaval in my home.  And although I've continued to stick to the plan easily, what I realised is that I'd stopped planning ahead.  I got to Monday morning, and realised I had nothing 'proper' in for breakfast.  I got up this morning & realised I didn't have anything to go with my salad to take to work.  

Feeling unsettled and out of my comfort zone had left me feeling disorganised and out of control.  And because I felt this way within myself,  I let go of the control around my eating plan and gave no thought to the organisation it requires.

For me this has parallels to eating disordered experiences.  An individual feeling unsettled and out of control within themselves and their lives, often turns to food as a way to feel in control of something.  When we can't control our external circumstances or inner feelings, we can control the food we allow into our bodies, & consequently control our bodies.  Alternatively, feeling out of control can be mirrored in out of control eating behaviours; resorting to unhealthy foods, bingeing, purging, etc.  

And although I no longer resort to eating disordered behaviours, I see that I still experience connections between how I feel within / about myself and my eating practices.  Feeling unsettled within myself led to me letting go of the organisation and forethought needed for my plan.  And although I've still been able to stick with it, I recognise that previously, times like the last few days would have been the times when I reached for the comfort foods, for the easy, quick options, giving no real thought to the foods I was eating.

Subjective experiencing of self can be mirrored in eating practices ...

Masking Turbulent Insides

Sitting at the corner table in 'The Olde English Tea-Rooms,' watching everyone relaxing and chatting over their tea, coffee and freshly baked hot scones. I suspect I look just like one of them, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee, calmly writing these notes ...

The outer appearance though is a mask; a complete contrast to my turbulent insides.

My stomach is churning, turning somersaults as it baulks at the caffeinated invasion. Nausea sweeps through me in unexpected waves. My mind is dancing and jumping through all the possible alternative realities that might be mine for the rest of the day as I anticipate turning the page to this as yet, unwritten interlude in my life.

Nervous, excited anticipation is my current dining companion. The meeting I've waited for, imagined, fantasised about, looked forward to, is about to happen. No one else in this sweet little cafe has any idea of the free-falling feelings tumbling around inside me.

We might be all sharing the same physical space, but we're each living our own unique, individual realities and experiences.

And for me, that's one of the things I love about us as human beings. We can never know completely what someone else's experience is; even when we're sharing that same experience. We can look around us at the people we're sharing public spaces with ... cafes, restaurants, bars, concert arenas, public transport, shops, schools, etc ... and yet never know what those other people are thinking, feeling, experiencing, remembering, even forgetting ...

And at times, the knowledge that no one else can know what one is thinking or feeling creates a sense of power. We might leak clues with our body language; and it can be fun to watch the expressions ... smiles, frowns, grimaces, etc ... that sometimes cross people's faces unconsciously, or changes in their posture, body movements. But they're just little unconscious leaks, small clues. We can never truly know.

Sometimes, it might be nice to know what other people are thinking or feeling, especially those we share a close or intimate relationship with. It would certainly reduce the inevitable uncertainties, misunderstandings and miscommunications that are part of relationships. But that would detract from the uniqueness of each of us as the individuals we are. Our unique subjective experience is what both isolates us ... and ultimately, connects us.

And by the way ... my meeting proved very enjoyable! The nerves had been entirely unnecessary; an easiness and gentle connection, with a hint of more to come quelled those instantly!