Eating reflecting subjective experiencing ...

Over a week into my new eating plan, and I've found it relatively easy to stick with.  The most difficult thing for me was getting myself organised enough to buy the 'right' foods; planning ahead, and thinking differently about the food choices I made.

It helps that I like all of the natural and unprocessed foods I'm eating and I'm feeling satisfied by them  I can also honestly say that I've not missed red wine or chocolate; the two things which created panic in me the day before I embarked on the plan.  A couple of times, I thought about a glass of wine, but what I've recognised is that each of those times were following stressful situations.  My default mode had become to have a glass of wine to relax or reward myself.  And yet each time, I knew I couldn't have that glass of wine, and I was okay with it.  The thought entered my head, I turned it away, and got on with other things ... not even thinking about that wine again.

I've had an interesting experience over the last few days though.  I attended a workshop over the weekend which was outside of my comfort zone and left me feeling unsettled.  My cat has also needed to have treatment at the vets which has added stress and upheaval in my home.  And although I've continued to stick to the plan easily, what I realised is that I'd stopped planning ahead.  I got to Monday morning, and realised I had nothing 'proper' in for breakfast.  I got up this morning & realised I didn't have anything to go with my salad to take to work.  

Feeling unsettled and out of my comfort zone had left me feeling disorganised and out of control.  And because I felt this way within myself,  I let go of the control around my eating plan and gave no thought to the organisation it requires.

For me this has parallels to eating disordered experiences.  An individual feeling unsettled and out of control within themselves and their lives, often turns to food as a way to feel in control of something.  When we can't control our external circumstances or inner feelings, we can control the food we allow into our bodies, & consequently control our bodies.  Alternatively, feeling out of control can be mirrored in out of control eating behaviours; resorting to unhealthy foods, bingeing, purging, etc.  

And although I no longer resort to eating disordered behaviours, I see that I still experience connections between how I feel within / about myself and my eating practices.  Feeling unsettled within myself led to me letting go of the organisation and forethought needed for my plan.  And although I've still been able to stick with it, I recognise that previously, times like the last few days would have been the times when I reached for the comfort foods, for the easy, quick options, giving no real thought to the foods I was eating.

Subjective experiencing of self can be mirrored in eating practices ...

Auschwitz as a dream metaphor ...

I've always been a very prolific and vivid dreamer and have been able to harness my dreams to help me with my self awareness and personal development.  Even before I began my counselling training and all of the self-exploration work which has come with that, I used to love my dreams and would often find the answers to life or study questions in them.

The unconscious mind tends to work in metaphor or very literal meanings, so uncovering the messages in dreams can be challenging, but also fun and hugely enlightening.  I love working with dreams that clients bring to our sessions; it never ceases to amaze me the messages the unconscious can leave behind in a seemingly random dream.

Last night, I dreamt I was on a camping trip and I was sleeping in one of the male barracks at Auschwitz-Birkenhau.

I knew immediately that the dream related to my experience of my new eating plan, but I wasn't sure just how.  I thought of all of the seemingly obvious connections between an eating plan and concentration camps.  I thought about the idea of the plan instilling a sense of deprivation, hunger, terror or torture.  

But that just didn't sit comfortably with me; that's not my experience of the plan.

I smiled to myself throughout my drive to work at my unconscious connections to Auschwitz.  And then because of the positive feelings, I'd been left with following the dream, it suddenly became clear to me ...

My dream was actually about choice, freedom and relief. 

I 'm choosing to take part in this eating plan.  I'm in complete control of it and if I decide I don't like it, I can stop it at any time.  The choice of what to eat is always mine.  

I'm free in a way in which the victims of Auschwitz and other concentration camps weren't.  I have the freedom to stop and walk away at any time I choose.

And this then linked to my past eating disorders.  The relief comes from the recognition that I am not controlled by this plan in the way in which I was controlled by food when I was experiencing anorexia or bulimia.  The Auschwitz of my dream was symbolic of my relationship to my own eating disorders.  


And I've walked away, I'm free ... and that's a hugely empowering confirmation; even my unconscious agrees that my eating disorders are history ...

Which is what I believe leaves me in a good place from which to be researching the subject and working with people who are currently still experiencing the torture, deprivation, dread and hunger of their own Auschwitz ...

Inspired Motivation ...

Two weeks into the New Year, and I suspect many peoples’ New Year’s Resolutions will already be beginning to flounder or indeed, already have gotten lost …

 

It can be difficult to maintain the motivation to continue with these kinds of resolutions or plans to change.  It’s a topic I often work with with my clients.  It’s easy to come up with things to do to improve yourself, your situation or your life; what’s not so easy is maintaining the effort it takes to put these plans into practice.

As humans, we seem too ready to give up on things that take effort.  Any big change requires effort; it doesn’t often happen spontaneously.  It’s too easy to focus on the sacrifices or effort required in the here and now & not think about the long term gain.  It’s too easy to procrastinate and put off until ‘tomorrow’ what could have been done today; but tomorrow never comes & suddenly years have passed and the person is still stuck in the original position.  It’s too easy to find easier or more enjoyable things to do & put off the task that requires the effort.

But then you don’t achieve the goals you made and you’re left with a personal sense of dissatisfaction, frustration and often failure.  And you’re left in the same place as where you started …

This topic is on my mind right now because 2013 is the year in which I intend to write up my PhD thesis; all 100,000 words of it!  If I need to, I could allow it to take me into 2014 and even the first half of 2015.  But I don’t want it to drag on that long; I want to get all of my research written up and disseminated as soon as possible.  I’ve been working on it since 2008 and it’s been a huge part of my life since then.  It’s become part of me!  It’s always there at the side of my mind, no matter what I’m doing or who I’m with.  And it’s time to begin the process of letting it go; as in a pregnancy, I’ve fed and nurtured it with vast amounts of data, this is the year in which I finally give birth to the baby which is the thesis, allowing it to begin its own journey out there in the world …

I know that the write up is going to be, at times, hugely frustrating and I’m going to want to give up, or find something ‘easier’ or more pleasurable to do.  But I need to keep focused, to organise myself so that my thesis does take priority this year; no matter what those sacrifices entail.  I will ensure that I plan fun things and relaxation time, but the thesis, and its’ completion must remain my number one focus.

Because of the extra time I could add on to the end of this year, I’m aware that my completion date has the potential to drift.  But to ensure that I remain focused and to have something to look forward to at the end of it, I’ve decided on my ‘reward.’

As human beings, we like rewards!  And if you’ve got something to do which requires a lot of time and effort, or something which you don’t really like the idea of doing, but know that you have to do it, having a ‘reward’ in mind at the end of it can be a useful strategy.  It’s good to have something positive or exciting to focus on when the task is becoming tedious or difficult.  The end reward has to be worth the sacrifice it feels you’re making, otherwise it’s too easy to just give it up.

And in my case, I know the sense of achievement I’ll feel when the thesis is written up and I have that fully bound book in my hand will be reward in itself.  But, that’s an intangible outcome, which is sometimes difficult to focus on.  As with the kinds of issues I work on with clients, their outcome in itself (overcoming an eating disorder, changing their communication style, overcoming anxiety, etc. etc) will be a huge achievement; but that’s often not enough to maintain the motivation needed to put in the required effort.  A sense of achievement, personal change, etc, are all intangible. 

 

Motivation can sometimes be better maintained when there is something concrete there to work towards.  A specific reward that will be given when the outcome has been achieved.  Something tangible that can be easily seen or imagined … it can be useful to have a physical picture or something that symbolises the reward at hand to look at when motivation is beginning to slip.  The more valuable the reward is to you, the more likely it is to reinforce your motivation.

So … what’s my reward to myself going to be?  Other than becoming a Doctor of Philosophy!?

A two week trip to South Africa, living on a Big Cat sanctuary, feeding, taking care of, and playing with the big cats …

http://www.i-to-i.com/volunteer-projects/live-with-lion-cubs-in-south-africa.html

http://www.khayavolunteer.com/hands-on-volunteer-with-lions-and-big-cats-in-south-africa.html

Unadulterated Pleasure …

Watching my young god-daughter last night eating an Easter egg really brought to my attention how much our relationships with food and eating change throughout our life.

As babies and young children we eat when we’re hungry.  We demand to be fed, and if we’re lucky enough to live in the Western world where food is in plentiful supply, and if we have caregivers who respond adequately to our needs, we’re given food.  And we consume it, and we stop eating when our body is satisfied.  Babies and young children aren’t aware of the pressures yet to come to them from our Western culture that demands that they look a certain way and that they manipulate their body into a prescribed ideal.

When I showed my god-daughter the egg, her face lit up with unadulterated pleasure.  There was pure excitement in her eyes as we unwrapped it together.  And as you can see from this picture, she consumed it with passion and pure enjoyment …

How many people as adults are able to consume food, and especially chocolate and other ‘treats’ with the unadulterated pleasure of a child?  So many adults have their pleasure of food spoiled by inner voices telling them they shouldn’t be eating it, they’ll get fat, it’s wrong to enjoy food, etc., etc.  And even people who’ve never struggled with eating disorders, so often worry about putting on weight, losing weight, the number of calories, the fat content, and more.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all eat with the unadulterated pleasure of a young child?  If we could all simply eat to satisfy our body’s physiological hunger needs?  But food and eating are inextricably tied up with emotional needs and hungers … and for the majority of adults, food and eating is often used as a substitute means of satisfying those other needs.  We all use food in ways other than satisfying bodily hunger … have a think about how you use food and what food means to you, and for you …

Wishing you too, the unadulterated pleasure of chocolatey abandonment ...

The Binge ...

The decorative biscuit tin has been sitting there on the side all week. Calling to me, drawing my attention to it. Even when I'm not looking at it, I can feel its presence; I know it's there. And I know it's full of those delicious cookies that I just love.

I've resisted it all week. After they were bought for me, by a well-meaning friend; they'd be horrified if they knew the conflicting emotions that tin of biscuits has instilled in me. I knew I should have given them away, or even binned them, but I couldn't. I couldn't bear the thought of those biscuits going in the bin, or of not getting to taste them.

I've resisted it all week. Until now ...

"I'll just have one," I tell myself knowing that I can't do that. Knowing that I'm just fooling myself ... but ignoring that sensible voice.

I open the tin and, holding the lid in one hand, I allow my gaze to wander over all of biscuits displayed there. Feeling my gaze caressing the crunchy sweetness of each individual temptation. I feel my heart rate increase slightly, my breathing becomes quicker and shallower as the anticipatory excitement and anxiety slowly begin to ignite.  My hand hovers over the selection. I'm only going to have one so I need to ensure I make the right choice. Knowing that if I regret my decision, I'll have to have another.

"Will I have the chocolate chip cookie? The chocolate covered one? Dark chocolate? Milk chocolate? White chocolate? The vanilla cream? The chocolate cream?"

Too many to choose from. And each has its own attraction. "I so don't want to get this wrong."

I finally decide on the chocolate cream. The combination of crunchy biscuit and rich soft filling areappealing to my eyes, my brain and the taste buds on my tongue.

"Crunch" as my teeth break through the biscuit. Crumbs crumbling around my lips.

"Mmm, delicious, " as the chocolate cream caresses my tongue. I try to savour each mouthful, knowing I'm allowing myself only one ...

But even as I know this, that other voice, the devilish voice at the back of my head, is telling me; "Go on, have another one. You know you want to experience the rich dark chocolate. You can stop after that one."

And this is where that infernal inner argument starts; "Am I strong enough to fight it today?"

And even as I ask myself that, or because I ask myself that, I know I'm going to succumb. I know I'm going to give in. I'm half heartedly fighting it, but the thought of more of those biscuits, those different textures, tastes, coverings and fillings is too tempting.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that first biscuit. That's where it all went wrong."

My heart is racing faster as the excitement builds, still quelled at this stage by my sensible inner voice; "One biscuit is fine. Just stop now. You don't need to have another one."

But my hand reaches into the tin again and I know my sensible inner voice has been drowned out ...again. I already feel angry with myself, but the enticement of more of those biscuits is too great to ignore. And anyway, I can get rid of them afterwards. It's easier to make myself sick with an overfull stomach than after just one or two biscuits ...

I eat that second biscuit … one this time covered in chocolate.

My heart is racing, excited, fearful, anticipation.

I’m still eating that second biscuit, but I’m already thinking about the next one … a vanilla cream … and the next one … covered in dark chocolate … and the next one … and the next one .. and the next one . the next one next one next one next one …

All sensible thought had left me.  I’m eating faster and faster, trying to savour the taste, yet simultaneously, not tasting the taste.  Just eat them.  Now I’ve given myself permission; just eat them.  Eat as many as I can.  It’s okay now I’ve started … I might as well keep going until they’re finished.  It’s okay, I can get rid of them afterwards …

Keep eating them; tasting them, whilst not tasting them.  Savouring them, whilst not savouring them. Eat them, eat them … the sense of freedom and liberation … eat them, eat them all ……

And that’s exactly what I do.  I eat them all.

And suddenly, the tin is empty…

Regret.  Disgust.  Horror.

I have to get rid of them now.  I can’tlet them all stay inside of me.  I’ll have a drink of water … it’ll mix with the biscuits and make them easier to bring back up …

Fear.  Terror.  Dread.

I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to make myself sick.  I’m terrified of the damage it might cause me … I’m well aware of the health risks.  I know I’m putting my life at risk every time I make myself sick…

But I have to do it.  I can’t let them stay inside me …  

Into the bathroom.  Head over the toilet.  Hair tied back. Two fingers down my throat …

Relief, release …

Remembering; and hopefully still understandinging ... to everyone who finds themselves caught in this painful, frightening, liberating, disgusting, terrifying, disempowering, empowering cycle …

The body as object or experiential container of self?

In modern western society, we live in a culture where a great deal of emphasis is placed on how we look as opposed to what our bodies actually enable us to do and experience. This creates a sense of our bodies as objects and creates a sense of disconnection between our bodies and our experiencing of our-Selves.

In the past, our bodies were experienced and appreciated more as means of production, ensuring we remained connected to, and within them. Before the advent of modern technology we used our bodies more; housework was heavier than it is now, people were more actively involved in the growth and production of their own food. The machines we use today create a distance between those things and our bodies, and we no longer experience the satisfaction of using our bodies for hard labour. And it seems that the less, as a society, we have the need to use our bodies for production or constructive reasons, the more the emphasis has shifted onto how our bodies look.

Turning the body into an object to be sculpted, to be dieted or exercised into an ideal dictated to us by the media and peer pressure, disconnects us from our-Selves. Our bodies are part of our-Selves. Our bodies are how we present our-Selves to the world. Our bodies are from where we relate to other people. Our bodies are also what enable us to experience our thoughts, feelings and experiences through our five senses. And yet, by viewing them as objects which need to be changed to fit society’s ideals and expectations, it’s easy to lose sight of, or to lose touch with, the true value and meaning of our bodies; as experiential containers of our Selves.

In modern Britain, it’s almost an accepted norm that women especially, but increasingly men too, will be weight and body conscious, or on some kind of restricting diet in order to mould themselves into an ‘ideal’ shape constructed by the media and society. It seems that many people are more concerned with what society and our culture tell us about how we should look than with listening to their own Selves, to their own bodies. And this is where disordered eating can begin to creep in as people lose touch with their body’s own hunger signals in their attempts to mould their body to fit these ideals. Our bodies, if we learn how to listen clearly to them will tell us what we need to eat. Our bodies, if we listen to them and satisfy their physiological hunger will settle at a weight that’s right for them; very difficult to achieve though in a culture which prizes thinness, and often thinness to a point below the natural weight of many women.

Our modern Western world is still based on a patriarchal system where the masculine is prized over the feminine. The masculine principles of individuality, rational thought, autonomy and independence are prized above the feminine principles of intuition, feelings and emotion. A spiritual theory of eating disorders views eating disorders as a ‘Spiritual Hunger’, as a woman’s disconnection from her Self, her Inner Goddess and her inner feminine as a result of trying to fit into this Western world. People with eating disorders tend to have highly developed masculine principles to the detriment of their feminine and spiritual side which shows itself both in their character traits and their determination to eliminate their physical feminine body.

The accepted female shape, or what is considered ‘attractive’ has changed considerably over time. In past centuries, and even today in other cultures, female bodies are valued and worshipped for the amazing vessels which they are; bodies which nourish and create life. This statue, the ‘Venus of Willendorf’ from Palaeolithic times illustrates these changes.

The idea of woman as a goddess, prevalent in ancient times, has been lost in our society, and today instead, we’re fed images of often
painfully, or unrealistically, thin models to aspire to. A healthy

woman’s body is meant to contain a percentage of fat (between 21% and 36%, compared to 10% and 25% for men), it’s meant to be curvy to house her internal organs and prepare her for nurturing children. A female curvy body with rounded stomach, thighs and hips were once valued and worshipped. Yet today, women strive to eliminate all such curves; and by doing so disconnect themselves from their full experiencing of them-Selves and their experience of living as a woman in a woman’s body.

This blog post can also be found on Camel's Hump Blog ...http://camelshump.co.uk/2011/12/06/is-the-body-just-an-object/

Worlds colliding; worlds merging

I had an interesting dream a couple of nights ago when three distinct eras of my life all merged into one scenario. This dream has stayed with me and made me think about how different elements of our lives can all come together and lay the foundations for a new way of living or being …

Over the last few months, my life has felt like it was made up of three separate and distinct parts … my employed work within the NHS, my PhD and the current studying I’m doing around NLP. Recently, I’ve become aware as to how at least two of those parts are merging together and forming something new …

The learnings I’m taking away from NLP are feeding into my private practice and the work that I do with clients presenting with eating disorders and related issues. I’m seeing lots of possibilities for working with clients around weight loss and eating or body image issues incorporating various NLP techniques and approaches into my current understandings and ways of working. This, in turn, is feeding into my ideas for my new website, ‘Embodying Change,’ which will be live very soon...

And surprisingly, the world of NLP has collided and merged with my PhD world … Researching the topic of eating disorders and sharing my research with others, is ensuring that I’m increasingly becoming known (at least locally) as ‘an eating disorders specialist’. For a while, some time back, I decided I didn’t want to be known simply as an eating disorders specialist; I worried it might limit me. However, I’m increasingly recognising that my personal experience and understanding, combined with the vast amounts of literature I’m reading for my PhD, and the therapists I’m interviewing, are filling me with a unique & privileged mix of knowledge. And I want to share this with others …

Through people I’ve met connected with NLP, I’ve been invited to present at a conference next month in Newcastle where I’ll be talking about ‘effective change work with clients presenting with eating disorders.’ This is the inaugural conference of NCCCTC (Northern Changeworkers, Counsellors, Coaches & Therapists Conference; www.nccctc.co.uk) and it’s so exciting and feels like a huge privilege to have been asked to present at this conference.

It also feels like this is where, for me, the worlds of eating disorders, PhD and NLP all come together as one … it feels like this is where the separate parts of myself collide and merge. I have the opportunity to share my passion with others; to talk about eating disorders, embodied experience and how I work with clients. It’s a chance to share my knowledge and understanding which is continuously developing as I integrate counselling theories, NLP and hypnotherapy approaches, the experience of specialists I’m interviewing, books & articles I’m reading and my own personal interpretations. It’s also for me, where ‘Embodying Change’ takes its first breath in the world…

The coming month feels like a hugely exciting one for me … I’m presenting my academic research as a poster presentation at BACP’s Research Conference in Liverpool on 6th & 7th May, and then the following weekend (14th &15th May), I’m presenting at NCCCTC.