As someone who works with clients with eating disorders / difficulties, I've thought long and hard about sharing this experience. I don't want it being misinterpreted as my way of returning to a way of controlling food or my body shape. Nor do I want my clients seeing it as me condoning diets or controlled eating practices.
However, the reality is that I have embarked on a 28 day eating / nutrition plan. Where this differs from any past diets or controlled eating behaviours is that this is in no way about controlling my eating or my body. And I feel that I've only been able to embark on this plan because I am confident in the fact that my own eating disorders are firmly in my past. I'm not detailing the plan here, but it does feel important to say that I am being supported by someone who has vast knowledge and experience of nutrition and foods' physiological affects on the body. I am also being supported psychologically throughout the process.
The plan I have embarked upon is, for me, about making even deeper connections with my own body. My research has led me to the point of understanding the idea of being more fully connected with one's body as corresponding to being more fully connected with one's Self and life. Taking care of one's body equates to taking care of one's Self. How we feel about, and treat, our bodies is a reflection of how we feel about, and treat, our Selves.
As a result of engaging with the plan, I aim to learn to listen ever more closely to my body; to hear its specific nutritional needs, wants and demands. And of course, this becomes the metaphor for listening ever more closely to my own Self. To hear more accurately, my own psychological inner needs, yearnings and wants and to find effective ways of satisfying these. Of taking better care of my Self.
For someone with a past history of eating disorders and who works with this client group, I've given a lot of thought to the prudence of embarking on this process. Removing food groups from my diet and having rules imposed on my eating is very reminiscent of historic disordered patterns around eating.
But what I am very clear about is that I'm approaching this eating plan from a very different perspective; one which is only possible because my eating disorders are so distant in my past. For me this time, there is no focus on weight loss or changing body shape. It was suggested to me before I started the plan that I take photos of myself, as a changing nutritional input may lead to a change in body composition and hence shape. I refused though. So sure am I that this isn't about appearance for me, and nor do I want to make it that way. This is instead, about my own inner subjective experiencing and an experiment with the foods I feed my body and my Self.
From my research, I have an appreciation of the meanings we attach to different foods and ways of eating. Our relationship with food can be viewed as an analogy of our relationship with our Selves and how we engage with life.
Before I committed to the plan, I was therefore aware that it would potentially tap into emotional experiences and beliefs. Indeed, part of my motivation for embarking on it was to experiment with just how much a change in diet might affect my moods, thinking and subjective experiencing.
I have no doubt that the kinds of food we eat affect us, not just nutritionally and physiologically, but also emotionally and psychologically. I believe we all have foods which we attach emotional meanings to. And those foods tend to be the ones which aren't necessarily nutritionally good for us. It's interesting to me to think about the fact that we often try to nurture ourselves with foods / drinks that aren't good for our bodies. And although in the short term, they do provide both a physiological and emotional boost, in the long term, they don't resolve things. Quite often, they instead lead to further cravings and remorse.
So with all of this in mind, I'd given a lot of thought to the idea of changing my eating, and in the week or so leading up to its commencement, I thought I'd prepared myself psychologically for the experience. I found myself laughing as I felt the need to eat the packet of Giant Chocolate Buttons that was in my house; that feeling of needing to eat them because I'd never be able to eat chocolate ever again in my whole entire life! Of course, I knew this wasn't the case, but it made me smile to catch myself thinking like this!
Despite this preparation however, the day before I was due to begin, I found myself unexpectedly caught out. Quite happily walking around my local supermarket with a trolley-full of nutritious foods, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a deep sense of sadness. Mixed in with this was a deep sense of compassion towards myself for taking care of me and my body. There was also a sense of loss towards all the foods which weren't in my trolley and which wouldn't be part of my life for the coming 4 weeks. And probably most significantly, was an overwhelming sadness for my historic eating disordered self.
Later that same evening, my sadness shifted into fear. Allowing myself to experience that fear led me into a deeper understanding of some of the meanings I've attached to particular foodstuffs. Knowing that, for the next 28 days, I wouldn't have them in my life felt very frightening and I felt very alone with that fear.
Knowing about the emotional attachments people can have to food, especially in Western society, where we do tend to use food as a reward, a treat, a comfort, etc., I did expect to have some kind of reaction to the 'loss' of my own consumable comforts; chocolate and a glass of red wine. However, I wasn't prepared for the intensity of my reaction simply to knowing that I wouldn't be able to rely on them for the coming 4 weeks. And it was from this place of fear and of feeling utterly bereft that I was able to fully appreciate just how much emotional significance I'd invested in that bar of chocolate or glass of red wine.
I'm interested to see what other discoveries I make over the coming days and weeks about myself and my own relationship with food and eating. Despite the years of self-awareness work I've engaged in, and especially over the last 5 years or so in relation to my PhD, it amazes me how much I still have to learn about myself. My experience of this new way of eating to date has already confirmed the powerful and entwined nature of eating and subjective experiencing. Food is, after all, the only substance which crosses our bodily boundaries; taken in, digested and used for energy and body composition. In that sense, food literally becomes part of us, which is one of the reasons people develop such complex relationships with it.
I look forward with excitement and trepidation to the coming few weeks ... & to further deepening my understandings of the connections between our relationships with food and eating, and how we experience ourselves ...
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