Bodily self-disclosure as a counsellor ...

I've had an interesting week ... personally & professionally.  And all caused by a silly accident with a candle and a match last weekend, which resulted in nasty burns to two of my fingers.

One of the main strands of my PhD research is the idea of the counsellor's body as a form of self-disclosure. As therapists, we are trained to not disclose any of our personal information or circumstances to our clients.  This is to ensure the neutrality of the therapy and to ensure that the experiences and feelings which occur in the therapy room are essentially those of the client.  As a result of my research, I'm increasingly recognising the therapist's body as a form of self disclosure which it is impossible to hide or deny. It's there in the room for the client to see.  It's there in the room for the client to relate to, to think about, to make judgements about, to think about ...

In terms of my research, I've considered the potential effects on the client and the therapy of the therapist's bodily shape and size.  Our bodies do say a lot about us; through their shape and size, through how we use them, hold them, how we express ourselves through our body language, even how we dress them.  We disclose a lot about ourselves, quite often unconsciously, through, and by, our bodies.

The bandages I've had on my two fingers this week have been impossible to hide.  And it's been interesting to note how different clients ... and also different people outside of the therapy room ... have responded to that.  Some people comment straight away; sometimes out of curiosity, sometimes out of concern.  I've seen other people notice my fingers, but then not say anything.  Others simply haven't noticed because they've been too immersed in their own thoughts and feelings to notice my hand.  And for me, all of those different responses are okay; it's just interesting to note the differences.

As a therapist, it raises a much bigger question for me though ... just how much do our illnesses, personal tragedies, pains and injuries impact on our clients and the therapeutic relationship?  Major injuries are plain to see and can't be denied.  Our personal pains and tragedies may not be so visible, but maybe they too, play out via our bodies ... lack of sleep, worry, concern etc., often show as tiredness, dark eyes, lethargy, maybe even changes in how we dress and present ourselves.  I wonder how aware our clients are of these minor bodily manifestations?  And how it does impact the therapy.  Does the client comment on what they see?  Or do they keep it to themselves, but then spend their session wondering about the counsellor's story?  Maybe, consciously or unconsciously, editing the things they talk about so as to protect the therapist from further pain?

It's a really interesting area for me; and one that's been brought to the forefront of my mind because of my injury.  But it also enables me to see that my research has much wider implications than just therapists' bodies in terms of working with clients with eating disorders ...

We all walk our own roads ...

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.

Just because they're not on your road does not mean they are lost."

Dalai Lama

I had cause earlier today to think about 'what is success?'  And for me, the above quote from the Dalai Lama  which I've just stumbled across this evening, fits very nicely ...

Success means different things for different people.  For some people, it's about earning a high salary, having a prestigious job or title, having a lot of expensive material possessions.  For these people, perhaps success stems from external factors ... from possessions and achieving a status in society.

For some people, it's simply getting through a day, especially those who are ill or depressed.  For those with more severe forms of depression, sometimes just getting out of bed, or getting washed is a huge achievement.

For other people, success is a much more personal, internal thing. Achieving an inner sense of peace, congruence or satisfaction, regardless of external circumstances.  It often comes from a sense of being true to one's own inner self, own personal morals and ethics.

And this is where I would put myself.  My own personal measure of my success stems from feeling that I am being true to myself.  And in my life, this means doing the work that I love (counselling, therapy and writing about these things and my eating disorders research).  And I feel very fortunate that I've found my 'vocation' in life and am able to follow it.  Yes, it means I've maybe not achieved the financial and material rewards I could have earned had I followed a different path, but I experience a true sense of congruence, knowing that I am spending my life doing what I love doing.  I am able to use my personal past experiences to take my work forward and help others ... giving both meaning and purpose to my earlier life and helping other people through that.

It can be hard sometimes to follow a different path from that expected for you or to turn your back on financial or status progression, in a world which values financial measures of worth.  I originally achieved a Business Studies Degree and Postgraduate Diploma in Marketing, but quickly realised that that field of work couldn't fulfill me personally.  I was lucky to 'stumble' in counselling training when I was 27, and I very quickly recognised that that was where my life lay.  I've since turned down management posts, knowing that for me, managing people, money, figures and things doesn't fulfill me.

My passion comes from learning about people and humanity and immersing myself in that.  And this is where I feel fulfilled and what allows me to still enjoy my work with clients 13 years after I first entered the counselling world.  And to still experience the genuine passion I feel to learn more and more ...

For me too, I think it's important to find a sense of inner satisfaction from within.  If a person relies completely on external factors for their sense of fulfillment, happiness, success etc., whether that be a partner, work, wealth, status and material possessions, it can be very difficult if those things are taken away.  Then, a person can be left feeling adrift.  Whereas, if we can find our own inner fulfillment and satisfaction, then no matter what the external circumstances, that inner peace, that inner congruence remains.

It seems too easy for people to judge others and to view them as less successful than themselves if they're living their life in different way.  For me, it's important to understand and accept a person's way of living ... as long as they're happy with it and no one else is being put at risk or compromised.

We all walk our own paths, and for me, the true measure of success is that an individual feels that they are living a life true to themselves, to their own inner beliefs ... no matter what that life looks like ...

Embodying the Environment ...

My Counselling Room

As a counsellor in private practice I seek to create a warm, safe, inviting environment for my clients.  I think I  manage to achieve this as I receive lots of positive comments from clients about the warmth, safety and comfort they feel when they enter, and sit in my counselling room.

Lake District

I think that our environment can have an impact on how we feel about, and within, ourselves.  As I sit here writing this, I'm aware of various environments scrolling through my mind ... the sea on both hot and cold days, hillsides in Northumberland, the Lake District and southern Italy; places I've visited on holidays and days out.  And as I pause in my memories and reconnect to them, I'm aware of how differently I experiences those places, and more significantly, how I experienced myself within them.

I was thinking about this earlier today, sitting in a room where I provide counselling away from my private practice.  I was very aware of experiencing that environment as very different from my own personal counselling room.  I didn't feel as 'at home' there ... & I know that I'm not, in the literal sense of the phrase ... but I was aware of not feeling as much a part of that room as I do when I'm in my own counselling room.

It's almost like I meld into my own counselling room; the room and myself are part of the same package.  But in this other room, I'm aware of feeling separate, very distinct; a sense of having just put myself in it.  I'm still the same person in each room, using the same skills and parts of me; yet I experience myself very differently.

I feel very much more complete, more relaxed, more completely myself in my room, surrounded by my own things.  And in that place, I feel more able to be more fully me.  I guess my own counselling room is an external extension of my inner self.

I have no external factors to consider in my own room as I do when I'm in other rooms; rooms belonging to other people, to other organisations, with their things in them instead of mine.  And much as those external factors aren't necessarily visibly present in those other rooms, I'm increasingly aware of how omnipresent they actually are for me; constraining, restricting, limiting me, trying to make me fit them & the places & people who they belong to.  They hold me hostage; in stark contrast to the completely relaxed, complete me, I am in my own room, in my own environment.

And I'm sure that this must impact on the therapeutic relationship I'm able to offer clients.

It could be argued that, as it's the relationship which is the most important therapeutic consideration, that environment shouldn't matter.  I remember believing this myself when I first began working in different venues and was able to establish effective therapeutic relationships in each of those.  And to an extent, that is true ...

But ... having not worked in other venues for a short while and only this week going back to them, I'm suddenly aware of just how much the environment I'm in impacts on me and my sense of myself.

As I'm writing, I'm increasingly recognising how the environment I'm in impacts on me.  And I guess that that's because, no matter what environment I'm in, I become a part of.  The environment and myself aren't separate; if I'm in a place, a particular environment, I'm experiencing that environment and I'm also experiencing myself within that environment.

Cullercoats Bay looking towards Tynemouth

I feel most relaxed, most 'at home' in those environments in which I feel most a part of.  Those places in which I'm not constrained by any external influences and can just simply be me ... and for me, that's in my own home, my own counselling room, and being out in nature.

I feel more content, more energetic, more at peace, more motivated, more willing to take good care of myself and nurture myself, etc., ... in short, more me.

Reflecting on this in terms of client work, people often find themselves feeling 'depressed' when they feel stuck or trapped in environments in which they're not happy; not able to be fully themselves.  For example, jobs they don't like, relationships which aren't bringing them happiness, home environments which aren't right, safe or comfortable, etc., etc.

Our environment or situation in which we find ourselves seems to have a huge impact on how we experience ourselves and how we feel about ourselves ...

www.therapywithsharon.co.uk

I've been off work on annual leave for the last couple of weeks and I had intended to spend the time working on my PhD and building my new website.  Things haven't quite gone to plan though ...

I've done hardly any PhD work ... other than presenting at a Faculty Research Seminar!

I thought I would have my website designed and built within a couple of days ... I now see how overly ambitious (or naive!?) I was being!  I've enjoyed the process but it has been extremely time consuming!  It can be very frustrating trying to line up text frames, graphics, images, etc!  I've spent so much time sat at my PC that I'm sure I've got RSI (repetitive strain injury in my right shoulder from using my mouse so much!!  The pain and burning sensations in my shoulder and the pain in the back of my neck are a bit of a give away! Ouch !!

I didn't realise when I started building this new website just how big it was going to grow!  I imagined it being a similar size to my current website ... www.sharoncoxcounselling.co.uk ... but it has already surpassed that! I chose to develop a new website because I felt that I had outgrown 'Sharon Cox Counselling.'  Mostly as a result of my PhD and everything I have experienced and learned across the last 5 years as a result, I now see that I am so much more than a counsellor.  And 'Sharon Cox Counselling' didn't seem to give me space to be all that I now am.

I'm looking ahead now to when my PhD is complete and what comes next for me.  I think this new website, www.therapywithsharon.co.uk is the start.  It's a good foundation on which I can build and continue to grow and expand.  'Therapy and Other Things with Sharon' seems to allow me the opportunity to embrace anything that feels appropriate.

And that's what I hope my website hints at.  As I've worked on it, my ideas have continued to grow and I've kept seeing new pages that should be added.  I think this website will continue to build in that way.

I've decided to publish it today, even though there are still some pages under construction.  I had thought that the pages that are complete, would have formed the complete website ... but it seems not!  As I say on the home page;

    "This is a newly published website & as such still has some pages under construction.  Please bare with me as I complete these pages as quickly as possible.  As I have developed it, it & my ideas have continued to grow.  Rather than wait for it to be completed, I have decided to publish it as it stands, allowing it to grow as it needs to … in a similar way to how I practice therapy & have conducted my research.

Being able to tolerate incompleteness, uncertainty & imperfection is a necessary stage on the journey to self acceptance, psychological individuation and self-actualisation.

It also helps me sit with, and hold my clients’ confusion, uncertainty, distress and other experiencing

I hope in this way, this website reflects a little bit of me, and how I work and live my life …

I’d also like to offer you the opportunity to help this website grow.  If there’s anything I’ve written that you don’t understand, or that you’d like me to write more about, please let me know.  If you feel that way, chances are other people will too."

Please comment here, or e-mail me with any comments or requests at:   sharon@therapywithsharon.co.uk

I look forward to hearing from you & receiving your thoughts, ideas, reflections & requests ...

Welcome to 'Therapy & Other Things with Sharon'

Welcome to my first blog post on here!

I've been writing on 'Therapy, Thought & Learning' for the last 3 years or so, but due to my professional interests expanding as I head towards the end of my PhD, I'm thinking about where I head next ...

I'm currently developing a new website, 'Therapy (& other Things) with Sharon' which will go live very soon and I wanted to ensure that my website & blog can be easily connected.

I've imported my entries from 'Therapy, Thought & Learning' into here (see below / in the archive), so that I don't lose anything I've already written.  This blog will be a continuation of my writing from there as I continue to reflect on life, therapy, and embodied experiencing ...

It's not always easy for me to find time to write regular blog posts as I try to squash in completing my PhD, my private practice, working for the NHS, my musical interests (& my life!!) but I'm going to try to write more regularly ... & hopefully that will become easier in time!

I'll look forward to sharing more of my reflections with you ... & any comments you'd like to make about anything I write will be very, very welcome ...

Inspired Motivation ...

Two weeks into the New Year, and I suspect many peoples’ New Year’s Resolutions will already be beginning to flounder or indeed, already have gotten lost …

 

It can be difficult to maintain the motivation to continue with these kinds of resolutions or plans to change.  It’s a topic I often work with with my clients.  It’s easy to come up with things to do to improve yourself, your situation or your life; what’s not so easy is maintaining the effort it takes to put these plans into practice.

As humans, we seem too ready to give up on things that take effort.  Any big change requires effort; it doesn’t often happen spontaneously.  It’s too easy to focus on the sacrifices or effort required in the here and now & not think about the long term gain.  It’s too easy to procrastinate and put off until ‘tomorrow’ what could have been done today; but tomorrow never comes & suddenly years have passed and the person is still stuck in the original position.  It’s too easy to find easier or more enjoyable things to do & put off the task that requires the effort.

But then you don’t achieve the goals you made and you’re left with a personal sense of dissatisfaction, frustration and often failure.  And you’re left in the same place as where you started …

This topic is on my mind right now because 2013 is the year in which I intend to write up my PhD thesis; all 100,000 words of it!  If I need to, I could allow it to take me into 2014 and even the first half of 2015.  But I don’t want it to drag on that long; I want to get all of my research written up and disseminated as soon as possible.  I’ve been working on it since 2008 and it’s been a huge part of my life since then.  It’s become part of me!  It’s always there at the side of my mind, no matter what I’m doing or who I’m with.  And it’s time to begin the process of letting it go; as in a pregnancy, I’ve fed and nurtured it with vast amounts of data, this is the year in which I finally give birth to the baby which is the thesis, allowing it to begin its own journey out there in the world …

I know that the write up is going to be, at times, hugely frustrating and I’m going to want to give up, or find something ‘easier’ or more pleasurable to do.  But I need to keep focused, to organise myself so that my thesis does take priority this year; no matter what those sacrifices entail.  I will ensure that I plan fun things and relaxation time, but the thesis, and its’ completion must remain my number one focus.

Because of the extra time I could add on to the end of this year, I’m aware that my completion date has the potential to drift.  But to ensure that I remain focused and to have something to look forward to at the end of it, I’ve decided on my ‘reward.’

As human beings, we like rewards!  And if you’ve got something to do which requires a lot of time and effort, or something which you don’t really like the idea of doing, but know that you have to do it, having a ‘reward’ in mind at the end of it can be a useful strategy.  It’s good to have something positive or exciting to focus on when the task is becoming tedious or difficult.  The end reward has to be worth the sacrifice it feels you’re making, otherwise it’s too easy to just give it up.

And in my case, I know the sense of achievement I’ll feel when the thesis is written up and I have that fully bound book in my hand will be reward in itself.  But, that’s an intangible outcome, which is sometimes difficult to focus on.  As with the kinds of issues I work on with clients, their outcome in itself (overcoming an eating disorder, changing their communication style, overcoming anxiety, etc. etc) will be a huge achievement; but that’s often not enough to maintain the motivation needed to put in the required effort.  A sense of achievement, personal change, etc, are all intangible. 

 

Motivation can sometimes be better maintained when there is something concrete there to work towards.  A specific reward that will be given when the outcome has been achieved.  Something tangible that can be easily seen or imagined … it can be useful to have a physical picture or something that symbolises the reward at hand to look at when motivation is beginning to slip.  The more valuable the reward is to you, the more likely it is to reinforce your motivation.

So … what’s my reward to myself going to be?  Other than becoming a Doctor of Philosophy!?

A two week trip to South Africa, living on a Big Cat sanctuary, feeding, taking care of, and playing with the big cats …

http://www.i-to-i.com/volunteer-projects/live-with-lion-cubs-in-south-africa.html

http://www.khayavolunteer.com/hands-on-volunteer-with-lions-and-big-cats-in-south-africa.html

My Life In A Photo ...

Whilst I was writing a song on my piano and guitar yesterday ('Liberty' the previous entry on here), my cat, Elsie, jumped up onto the top of my bookcase to watch ... after she'd helpfully walked up and down the piano keys a few times!

I got my camera and took a photo of her sitting up on the bookcase watching me.  It's somewhere she's only been once before ... at least whilst I've been in to see her!!  As I took the photo, I realised that it included most of the important things in my life.  I moved my guitar to make sure it was clearly in the frame ... and there it was; my life.

My gorgeous god-daughter in the photo.

My cat on the bookcase.

My books, symbolising my love of reading, my PhD and my interest in all things relating to therapy and the human condition.

My guitar and piano showing my love of music ... playing them, writing songs, singing, and listening to music; both recorded and live.

My laptop, on its home on my little stool - another part of my PhD, it also symbolises my love of writing and researching online.  It houses my collection of photos of friends, family and important memories.  And of course, it's my link to friends and to this blog.

And last, but not least, my wine rack ... & enjoying a glass or two of wine ...

                                                                                 
                                                                                           Which photo of yours, illustrates your life?

As a counsellor: Not there to fix ... but to share & empower

One of the strengths of counselling is that the counsellor does not take responsibility for the client, does not give them ‘answers’, does not provide them with advice or tell them what to do. Instead, counselling is about enabling the client to access their own resources, to empower clients to trust in themselves & to learn that they can find their own answers … they don’t need to rely on a counsellor, or anyone else to find their way through their life.

A number of clients come to me ‘expecting’ me to tell them what to do to make themselves feel better or to improve their situation. At times, clients can be quite unhappy and I sense their frustration towards me when I won’t give them advice, when I won’t tell them what to do, when I can’t ‘fix’ everything for them. And it can be difficult at times when a client asks outright for advice and I know that it’s not what I’m there for. As a counsellor, I have to know at a deep level that I’m not responsible for my clients and their lives; my role is to encourage the client’s own discoveries and strengths. I don’t know what’s right for anyone else, I don’t have a book full of answers, and as we are all unique individuals, everyone’s ‘answer’ will be different anyway … it’s for the individual themselves to discover their own solutions. And as a counsellor, I’m in the privileged position of sharing in that process … often starting with the client’s frustrations at themselves, their situation , and myself, moving sometimes through a state of confusion, and then the enlightenment that occurs when someone suddenly sees a way forward, or begins to see things from a different perspective.

But I can’t do that for them. I can only facilitate the process towards that discovery. And sometimes, clients come up with solutions for them that I could never have imagined. Clients can be incredibly creative once they’re given the right conditions in which to explore their thoughts, feelings, emotions, options, etc. So often in life, friends, families and others are too keen to jump in and give people advice … and this can often prove counterproductive. People aren’t encouraged to trust in themselves or to discover their own resources or they often end up doing things to please other people rather than themselves. If they’ve taken someone else’s advice, it’s easy to ‘blame’ that person when things don’t work out, rather than taking responsibility for coming up with their own answers & implementing them.

When clients ask me for advice, or want me to tell them what to do, I simply reflect everything back to them. I often ask them the question that they’ve asked me … and sometimes, actually hearing that question being asked of themselves by someone else enables the client to answer it … I had this experience with a client recently.

I’ve had another client recently tell me about frustrated they felt with me in the early stages of our therapeutic relationship when they were asking me what they should do, and I wouldn’t tell them. That client has since learned that they have the internal resources within themselves to make decisions and implement them . And because of this, that client is learning to trust more in herself, to take more responsibility for her situations … and they’ll take this learning forward into future situations long after therapy is over.

And for me, enabling clients to discover their own inner resources, to learn to trust in themselves and their capabilities and to learn to take more responsibility for themselves and their life situations is one of the biggest strengths of counselling … and seeing these things occurring is one of the (many) privileges of being a counsellor.

What’s in a name? Counsellor ... Change Therapist?

I’ve called myself a “counsellor” now for 10 years, but recently, and following my current reflection on my practice and the wider range of reading I’ve been engaging in, I’m beginning to feel restricted and constrained by that ‘label.’ And “Change Therapist” is a name that keeps springing to mind when I think about the work that I do, and look forward to doing in the future.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I am first and foremost a Person-Centred Counsellor, and I still fully adhere to the underlying philosophy of person-centredness. However, as I continue to read other methods of facilitating change for clients, I’m increasingly realising that I no longer want to be restrained by sticking rigidly to the methods of Rogerian therapy.

For me, effective therapy is essentially about a therapist (of whatever persuasion) enabling and facilitating a change which the client wishes to bring about. A good starting point is to listen fully and deeply to the client in front of you to hear exactly where they’re starting from, and exactly where they wish to go to; if they have a final goal in mind. It’s about accepting the client for exactly who, and where they are, without any judgement or criticism. It’s also about listening carefully to the words the client uses to gain a deeper understanding for both yourself (as therapist) and the client of how that individual views, experiences, and lives in, the world … eg, what beliefs do they hold, what thought patterns are restricting them or working against them living as they wish to, how does that individual view the world and their sense of themselves within it? Observing the client’s body language and their way of expressing themselves in, and through, their body can also offer a wealth of information to the observant therapist.

And quite often, this process alone is enlightening for the client, who has maybe never stopped to consider their own world view and belief systems. Quite often, people are unaware of the ineffective beliefs they’re holding onto and living their life by. By uncovering these beliefs within the therapy room and gaining a deeper understanding of them and where they came from, some clients are able to challenge, and change or reject those beliefs, and replace them with more effective ones, allowing them to go on to lead more peaceful lives.

However, for some clients this process isn’t enough, or it would maybe take many weeks, months or even years. And I’m increasingly seeing the beneficence of being able to offer techniques, exercises and processes to clients to assist in their discovery and change. Personal growth and change is very often difficult and challenging for clients, and if I can ease clients through that process without doing them harm (non-maleficence), then surely that can only be for their good? And for me, any processes or techniques which I ‘choose’ to use with clients are still grounded in my person-centred way of being … by remaining with clients in their process and empathising with them, I find that the relevant process for that client at that particular time, makes itself known to me. I’m not consciously sifting through a filing cabinet in my mind of techniques to offer a client which would suggest my not being fully with the client. I remain fully in contact with the person sat with me, and their communication invites the appropriate process into my consciousness. I’ve worked like this for a long time now, offering clients the opportunity to use art materials, stones, visualisations, maybe offering some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) exercises, and in the vast majority of cases, what I’ve offered the client has been willingly accepted and has proven beneficial for them at that time.

In the past, I was very sceptical of techniques such as those offered by NLP, and even Hypnosis, but at present I’m feeling increasingly excited and intrigued by what I’m learning they have to offer, both for myself as a therapist, and for my clients. I’ve spent a lot of time recently reading and talking about NLP and Hypnotherapy and especially their use of language (both verbal and body) and I’m recognising very close parallels with how I already work with my clients. I’m already employing a lot of ideas and theories from these two ‘schools,’ and as my training in them both develops throughout this year, I can envisage myself using more and more of their ideas, theories, techniques and processes … all with the aim of enabling change to happen for my clients … hence my term “Change Therapist.”